Sunday, September 22, 2013

Duets for the Ages
·         Kathleen Battle & Florence Foster Jenkins
·         Brian Eno & G G Alin
·         Negativeland & John Tesh
·         Lydia Lunch & Anonymous 4
·         Raffi & 12Ibs of plastic explosive
·         John Gorka & Sun Ra
·         Liza Minnelli & Lux Interior
·         Lou Reed & Placido Domingo
·         Lurch & Gustav Leonhardt
·         Yngwei Malmstein & Augustin Barrios Mangore

T.M.I. Blues Songs
Itchy Asshole Blues
Fatherfucker Blues
Shat My Drawers in C
·         Daniel Ash is pretty much the Joan Collins of Rock 'n' Roll (if lost in a jungle, his first priority would be to find some natural plant remedy to keep his hair spikey, not find food or shelter).
·         Jello Biafra around lunchtime: "Shit, I forgot to take my vitriol pill.”
·         Polvo=slacker club muddle.
·         If you like Wilco, then you also like the Grateful Dead. Hard to tell the difference, honestly.
·         Iggy Pop? More like Iggy Poop.
·         Hey Xiu Xiu, Clap Your Hands And Say The Yeah Yeah Yeahs !!!
·         I miss the days when rock bands would break up and stay broken up. Break up like you mean it, guys.
·         If I suggested that The Decemberists traffic in music for pudgy pale polyamarous librarians with a penchant for steampunk, would I not be entirely incorrect?
·         Unfortunately, "Linger" by the Cranberries kind of did exactly that.
·         Just think, Kurt Cobain used to leave messages on Dave Grohl's machine. That shit blows my mind.
·         1997 was the year of the Tarantinoian whitetrash cocktail varmits, resplendent in 50’s era gas station shirts and southern pompadours. But how many can actually fix a car, let alone change a tire?
·         My mission, my only mission, is to restore the Hurdy Gurdy to its rightful status as the reigning instrument in club music.
·         Occupational slumming is when a string quartet plays on a rock band’s album.
·         Fiddle vs. violin, axe vs. guitar, drums vs. battery, vocals vs. vox, band vs. ensemble, tune vs. piece: It is in this way that art music and popular music relentlessly duke it out.
·         If I start a band, it will be an instrumental funk band (where the bandleader plays of those 5-string basses) and will be named "The Mums Bartholomew Projek.t" (“Which one is Mums?” they’ll all ask.)
·         I sometimes enjoy watching white indie rockers dance...they do a kind of arrhythmic Yo La Tango indie shuffle.
·         Rock stars have stopped dressing like cowboys on their album covers. Is this because they realize that rock and roll is no longer really an act of youthful rebellion?
·         In the year 2033: Mother: Why don't you go into business like your father, and join a rock band? Son: Oh mom!
·         There needs to be a cultural Nuremberg trial, trying bands like Limp Bizkit and Red Hot Chili Peppers on the grounds of cultural crimes against humanity. (Funny to think of Flea or Fred Durst as being like Mengle. Boys from Brazil would instead be Dudes from Los Angeles.)

Rock notes

Rock historians made an unsettling discovery today: evidence that The Beatles, famous for spreading messages of love and peace, might have harbored Nazi sympathies. Among the demos found in the EMI vaults:
"I, Me, Mein (Kampf)"
Cat Power? More like Cat Enervation

Can someone please explain? It's like she took Velvet Underground's "Pale Blue Eyes" as a template, but then stripped it down even further and made it even more depressing. (Of course, the Velvets would have hated this shit if they'd been contemporaries, as they hated all subpar folk music.) Therapy music, scared little girl rock, thorazine-drip music. Music for navel-gazing mulleted girls preoccupied with themselves ("hello thin boy, watch me finger paint in the corner of my room"), and for the hipster guys who want to love them. It has to be a put-on, right, some art prank? Why would a magazine like New Yorker would be profiling music of such limited emotional range as this?

Coco Rosie

Once upon a time, there were two little girls named Coco and Rosie. Coco and Rosie had a big sister named Bjork, whom they loved very, very much. In fact, they loved her so much they wanted to be just like her. They loved to play dress up, finger paint, and create make believe sounds just like their big sister. “One day, when we are big and tall, just like our sister Bjork, we will make pretty sounds, too, and conquer the world, too” they said.

But then something sad happened.

Before Coco and Rosie were fully grown up, they started recording and releasing their make believe, made-up magical sounds. While they meant well, these sounds just weren’t mature. In fact, they resembled the childish, ill-formed squiggly lines that a pre-schooler might draw. Coco and Rosie were so impatient to be just like their big sister Bjork that they ignored this fact.

And so, Coco and Rosie embarrassed their mother, their father, and most importantly, their beloved big sister Bjork by releasing a series of ill-advised, immature, self-indulgent, art-school dribblings into the world, bringing shame upon their family, and upon the entire freak-folk fairy genre.
The Problem with Bowie
Despite his overall awesomeness, has anyone noticed that David Bowie cannot really rock out? Take for example his numerous covers of VU’s “White Light, White Heat” VU’s fuzz-laden slab of overdriven proto-art punk becomes a kind of sped-up Rockette’s chorus line number in Bowie’s hands, as if he, Mick Ronson, and the Spiders are all kicking in sync with one another onstage. He’s probably self-conscious, stylized, and comes at rock more from a theater/acting angle.
The Oval Officers
Obama is so cool. He and Bill Clinton should form a band. They could call themselves The Oval Officers. Jimmy Carter could be their manager. Then Bill could leave the band, form his own splinter group, and call it The Ovary Officers. "No Fly Zone" would be their big hit.
Sample lyric: "Gurl, I gotsta be the secretary of your interior"
Zoe Deschanel

·         I heard she divorced the guy from Modest Mouse/ Death Cab for Cutie and is now engaged to all of Weezer.
·         I'd like to start a grassroots movement: The Let's Lower Zoe Deschanel's Self Esteem Project.
·         Zoe Deschanel is Goldie Hawn for hipsters.
·         Rumour has it Zoe's got a solo album of sacred music on the way: She & Hymn
·         Zoe Deschanel grew up on a commune in Oregon, and spent her evenings howling at the moon with her sister.
·         Zoe Deschanel spends her time fingerpainting in between scenes.
·         Goldie Hawn + Pitchfork = Zoe Deschanel.
·         Even Zoe Deschanel's bangs are self-impressed.
·         M. Ward finally got sick of playing second fiddle, and renamed the band Him & She.
·         Fun game: Let's guess the track names of the inevitable She & Him Children's Album. I'll start:
1. Vegan Birthing Ceremony (intro)
2. Gluten-free B-day Party!
3. My Baby Drinks PBR
4. Mommy Plays The Drums
5. Ironic Nursery Rhyme
6. Eco-Baby Activist
7. Don't Wanna (Cut My Bangs)
8. Playground Performance Art
9. My Art Teacher (Plays the Ukulele)
10. Baby's First Dirty Projectors Show
11. Yo La Tangwho?
12. Fixed Gear Bikin' (Helmets On Mix)
·         Zoe Deschanel has an imaginary friend named Artemis.
·         I want to crash her band: She & Him & Me
·         I intentionally misspell her name. Such is my form of protest.
Cleveland Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Presents: Implements of Demise
Just think, reverent rock fans can gaze upon the sandwich that did Mama Cass in, the vomit that choked Jimmy Hendrix, the bullets extracted from John Lennon's torso, the twisted hulk of taxi wherein Eddie Cochran knew his final moments, the charred shell of Buddy Holly's plane, the syringe that hastened Sid Vicious' demise, a full-size replica of the swimming pool where Brian Jones drowned, ditto for Jim Morrison's bathtub, the flight recorder from Patsy Cline's plane, a brief rundown of the various medications and Ben & Jerry's flavors Jerry Garcia was scarfing upon time of death, Nico's bicycle, Kurt Cobain's shotgun, Elvis' toilet, Klaus Nomi's semen sample, etc. etc... Which hippie sandwich shop will institute the Mama Cass sandwich; a triple layered pastrami-bologna-sardine-anchovy melt on toasted rye that’s a real Bumsteadian throat-buster, really absolute hell trying to get down; clings and scrapes the roof of the mouth and loves to lodge in the windpipe.
Fun with Song Titles

I Left My Spleen in San Francisco
Wishing and Hoping and Prognosticating
Me and You and a Racist Named Boo
Under the Boardwalk, Smokin' a Spliff
Dweezil's Ripped My Flesh
Cletus in Furs
Mrs. Brown, You’ve Got a Lovely Goiter

Some Rock and Roll Commandments
#1: thou shalt not use a synthesizer to mimic a horn section
#2: thou shalt not include a faux-Rastafarian rap during the break of a hybrid rock/reggae song
#3: thou shalt not mix the drums and bass and the guitars and vocals into diametrically opposing channels
#4: thou shalt not put drum machines and British musicians in the same room
#5: thou shalt not give white undergrads 4-tracks
#6 thou shalt not include a harmonica solo in a protest song if thou canst not play said instrument
#7 thou shall not try to sing like they freak-folk herald angel, Bjork
Rock Stars as Animals
The Cure's Robert Smith ('fat bob') = a chubby goth panda
David Bowie = a preening swan
Daniel Ash= some vain bird obsessing over its plumage
David J= a sinister praying mantis
Kim Deal= uncouth and unclean barwench in Tolkenesque middle earth

Inner-City Math Skill Builders
1.       Tina can make $15 giving head and $40 going all the way.
Her risk of viral infection is 37% greater with the 2nd option.
The cost of medication is $200 per month.
In an average day, Tina has 7 clients.
To maximize her profits, which option should Tina choose?
2.       Fred plans to rob a liquor store. He has two choices-either he can use his .38 special or Frito’s .9mm Beretta. His .38 has only 6 shots, but uses hollow tipped shells, which have a 68% fatality rate.
On the other hand, Frito’s .9mm Beretta holds 14 shots, but only has a 42% fatality rate, as well as an 11% chance of jamming. There are two employees at the store, and Fred guesses there is 33% chance they are armed. Additionally, if Frito finds out Fred’s used his Beretta, there’s a 27% chance Frito will inflict bodily harm upon Fred in addition to administering verbal abuse.
In the event of a shootout, which weapon should he choose? (Note- He cannot choose both, since he must carry the cash in one hand. Nor does he have time to reload. Also, he must go it alone, as his usual partner was shot to death last month.)

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