Sunday, September 22, 2013



Political Follies
The most powerful men of Europe settled down to a disastrous affair of poorly cooked meat, soggy Brussel Sprouts, cagey white wine, mouth-roof shredding bread, and a singularly defeatist portion of runny blancmange. In the ensuing rush to the men's room, tempers flared, undermining three territorial pacts, five proposed treaties, and one non-alignment pact. Poland was thus imperiled and France once again felt the hot sting of German wrath. Not the least in the 'thwack' of the German Minister of Defense’s wet hanky resounding off the flushed cheek of Frances's Minster of the Environment, for allegedly barging into the wretchedly small lavatory during a large intestine-induced fit of desperation. Thus, the devious separatist chefs of Chez Andre sabotaged yet another attempt at European unification.
He & She
·         upon viewing a bikini contest:
She- What criteria could there possibly be?
He-S.A.T. scores perhaps?
·         She— Can I borrow your raincoat?
He— Okay, but try not to get it wet.
·         She— Do you dance?
He— Only if the winds of political change deem that sort of thing necessary.
·         He—You ain’t nuthin’ but a heavy lidded thunderpussy
She: ______
·         She— Wanna beer?
He— In the pejorative sense?
·         She— Are you ok?
He— I...I...lost...my...na-narr-a-tive...thread...
·         She: I’m thinking of trading in my Prius…it seems so…emotionally unavailable.
He: _____
·         She: Fuck Columbus, he was lost.
He: I don’t see you giving your land back to the Native Americans.

Wordplay
·         the enema of my enemy is my friend
·         Your infection is enthusiasm
·         E.E.’s cumming
·         We say of the egotistical schizophrenic: he's full of himselves
·         Takes a hammer to make me laugh and whalebones to make me cry
·         The maestro coaxed sounds from his viola as if possessed by stink-footed boy in capsule #12
·         algoriddims=Jamaican computing
·         personal hygenie
·         Of the theater critic who moonlights as an abattoir supervisor, we call him “bruiser by day, dandy by night”
·         Strapped to the chair, I received a good old fashioned classicist beating: Flimy flamy shim sham
·         What's French for masturbation? Menage a moi.
·         Turned down the job at the local morgue- hate getting stiffed
·         Shoehorn Bastard Assistance Squad
·         turned down the job of bird researcher- -hate going out on a limb
·         Went to a bar called The Slaughterhouse, found it a real meatmarket
·         Bold, the Way You Woo a Bearded Lady
·         shinky hinky sex music from the planet zontar
·         Constitutional Dreadlocks
·         I want my children's names to sound like prescription medication:
Phoebe Doxylhiedren
·         Public Enema No. 1
·         wooden tit, be nice
·         immaculate misconception
·         I'll live to 106, charting sandal fashions all the while
·         There's a stinky new music style- Boolian Armpit Funk
·         All those painstaking years of midget man research, washed away by Parker's nocturnal emission
·         (To become erotic is to disappear)
·         Careful, That's the Antonin Artaud Armchair of Attrition You're Sitting In
·         Chunklemonk. The black monk. Provider of nomes against domes.
·         Heard about the new fashion magazine for medievalists and Renaissance fans? It's editor is Hurdy Gurdy Brown.
·         Khmer Rouge (from Vogue’s Makeup Tips & Ethnic Cleansing Fashion Tips)
·         Today's phrase inversion: "towers will be violated"
I like this idea, that someone who tows your car will suffer subsequent physical or psychological violation for the act.

This Just In- Judge Flounders in Fish Case
This Just In- Judge Waffles in Batter Caper
This Just In- Juror Twists Truth in Pretzel Trial
This Just In- Lawyer Coats Witness in Paint Hearings
This Just In- Judge Places Proceedings in Birthday Gift Caper Under Wraps

·         Ultraviolent Waves- Unable to be Seen, Yet They Punch You Just the Same
·         Walker-Bowel-Steam-Ship-Shuffle (Portly Mix)
·         Quizzling Beat Up Underling, But Not By Much
·         Rubric, Lexicon, Motherfucking Title
·         So much depends upon a red blackberry
·         Mixing Up My Potions and Lardering My Lotions
·         Fruited Recovery Agent vs. Lo-Fi Death Dirge
·         Red Sky at Night, Catamite's Delight; Blue Sky at Dawn, Better Tell Your Mom
·         Krakoshkavac Throat Culture Parties- are you on the guest list?
·         Extra-Sensory Jimminies
·         “Earpussy” is a phrase I’d like to start hearing more of
·         Elbow Jam-Kneecap Party...Appendage Frenzy Y'all!
·         “Gimmee a caw!” flapped Crow, invitingly
·         The narcoleptic dance marathon was an unmitigated failure
·         Never met an orgasm I didn't like
Murder Most Foul
·         a gaggle of gaggings
·         a myriad of matricides
·         a plethora of puncturings
·         a plurality of patricides
·         an assortment of abductions
·         a smattering of slayings
·         a bunch of beheadings
·         an intensification in inquisitions
·         an increase in incinerations
·         a rash of rapes
·         an expansion of executions
·         a gain in gangland gougings
·         a proliferation of pain
·         a crescendo of crime
·         an accumulation of acrimony
·         a penchant for pick axings
·         a symphony of sex crimes

Sentences in Search of Stories
·         She had the kind of breasts that started wars.
·         Alphabet Snowstorm had been crying again.
·         Frisky Bee tugged on the straps of his harness. It would be soon.
·         Withering fretless bass lines punctuated by staccato barks of car horn sent me careening headfirst into Morganthal’s arms.
·         Desperate men call for desperate times. (Desperate food calls for desperate thyme.)
·         It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. But mostly it was just the worst of times.
·         No matter their effort, the Justified Ancients of Mu-Mu and the Sanctified Groovers of Depolito couldn't wrap their heads around the concept of sobriety.
·         At age 143, Great-Great-Granma Taggert claimed to have avoided death simply by ignoring it.
·         Wroughtlron Lil always appreciated a good knock down-drag out.
·         Mrs. Hinkel liked nothing more than the sound of balls slappin' 'gainst ass.
·         How Captain 'Nemo does handle that home surround sound system, the one which has thwarted so many other seamen with their feeble efforts, how he does handle it with the cool appraising gaze of a deep-sea professional.
·         Tonight I believe I'll care to sup within' my bed chamber, good warden (from Haughtiness Behind Bars, London Dispatches)
·         Seconds before I could toggle the safety switch, the swift glory of Indonesian pop music was full upon me.
We've Been Told that April is the cruelest month
·         January is a good month for prawn fishing
·         February is the most capricious month
·         March is for the lighthouse keepers
·         April is distracted by May's premature entrance (and once considered bringing a lawsuit against the estate of TS Eliot for defamation of character)
·         May is the month for effervescence
·         June is the month of the melted hairshirt
·         July is the mouthiest month, it never shuts up
·         August cannot belie its fruited tuba legacy
·         September tries hard but can't remember
·         October chews with its mouth open
·         November was discovered by January at a local talent show
·         December is up to its neck in false promises
Charley Time
#1 tropical ship shape woman made me a nape
nape of my neck got curvy in time
time ran out on some real estate
two more days 'till those boys break my neck
#2 with boney hands the world I'll sway
I'll feed a bird on a lonely day
#3 big ass big ass big assed thing, whatcha gone done make me wanna buy you a diamond ring, big ass big ass big assed thing
Mockers. Knockers. Shockers. Dockers. A Gay Guy's Got The Runs.



A Lithuanian provides cut-rate dentistry
and next thing I know
I’m in Amsterdam
surrounded by a flock of Philippine ladyboys
all clamoring for Nyquil and Tootsipops
I call this my "funny feeling"
Watch as I fall from insecty grace back into froggy inconvenience
Aphorisms
·         Of the meek man we say- ‘he lives his life as if it were within parentheses’
·         Of the corpulent bully we say- 'he likes throwing his weight around'

Ira Glass
That voice, dear sweet Jesus, that unholy fucking aggravating voice, a stomach churning, ear assaulting, measured nebbish prattle that instantly evokes a pale, "I have food allergies/pale-thin arms/am a vegan," thrift-shop frequenting, retro-Atari 2600-loving, summer-camp/football fearing, Magnetic-Fields listening, poindexter-glasses-wearing, i-have-more-than-a-few-transgendered-friends-but-it-doesn't-even-occur-to-me-because-i-am-so-incredibly-evolved-and-tolerant, Mac/Linux-championing, Sarah Vowell-befriending, paragon of zeitgeistiness that he makes David Sedaris seem irrelevant in comparison. The kind of kid even I would want to beat up on the playground! Someone, please do something!
Sane Man, Crazy Man (from an idea by David Rees)
·         Sane Man: Who TP'd my house? Crazy Man: This toilet has trees!
·         Sane Man: I'm going bald. Crazy Man: My hairlings swim upstream.
·         Sane man- Let me outta this chokehold! Crazy man- Surprised to be giving free piggyback rides.
·         Sane Man- Spare some change? Crazy Man- Could you morally unload some of those jangly, gravity-prone pocket particles on me?
·         Sane Man- Will you marry me? Crazy Man- You can be like my extra book at bedtime.
·         Sane Man- Who ordered a pizza? Crazy Man- Who summons via commerce the soul of Verona?
·         Sane Man- Careful with that drink tray. Crazy Man- Whoa! Do you see anyone 'round here named Noah?
·         Sane Man- Check out that sunset. Crazy Man- Ouch. An angry red pimple slides down the face of God teen.
·         Sane Man- I never stole your wallet. Crazy Man- I can't believe that calfskin should seek solace in a backsheath of foreign.
·         Sane Man- That's just the way it goes. Crazy Man- Ever heard a rock whistle? Didn't think so.
·         Sane Man- Can you guys turn the music down?  Crazy Man- Gremlins tap atop my eardrums. Serve eviction notices ASAP.
·         Sane Man- This house needs repair work.  Crazy Man- Hmm, I smell teardrops. (Pats wall) Have you been crying?
·         Sane Man- Long time, no see. Crazy Man- So many clocks and watches now that fall between us.
·         Sane Man- It’s hot in here. Crazy Man- Two small swamps make their homes along side of me. Am I Cajun? "
·         Sane Man- I can't make this month's rent. Crazy Man- Oh baby, got the 'Existence Tax Blues'.
·         Sane Man- Go to hell.  Crazy Man- An all-day backpacking excursion to Lucifer's Playstation will surely mark you for the worse.
·         Sane Man- Oh look, all produce is 15 percent off.  Crazy Man- Supermarket Place Kicker, kick me on up some crafty decimal point swindle-relief dots.
·         Sane Man- Zzzz. Crazy Man- My body truck is tanking up on unleaded dreams.
·         Sane Man- Have you lost weight?  Crazy Man- Sweet Christ, you’re leaking.
·         Sane Man- I have a terrible headache. Crazy Man- Who will win the reenacted skirmish now taking place inside my head- the British or the French?  (Though in pain, the crazy man eagerly awaits the results. It is in this way that he thinks his headaches have to power to alter the outcome of historical events.)
·         Sane Man- You look beautiful in that red dress. Crazy Man- It's not every day that a undulating question mark of color electrocutes me in this 'smile-on-the-face' way.
·         Sane Man- I miss my hometown.  Crazy Man- Which ward? Which blanket? Which wet nurse?
·         Sane man- (in bed) Time to go to sleep. Crazy man- (patting sheets) You guys are the sandwich bread, and I'm the lunchmeat. Together we 're the dream team!
·         Sane man- Tread carefully. Crazy man- Quick! Turn on that stink footed X-ray I know so well!
·         Sane man- What a colorful bird. Crazy man- Celebrity bird! Celebrity bird! Autograph from a celebrity bird!
·         Sane man- You look familiar. Crazy man- I've seen those thighs before.
·         Sane man- I don't think we ever really understood what letters meant to us until they were gone. Crazy man- What is communication, if not electronic?
·         Sane man- Could you repeat that? Crazy man- Remember the good old days of the skipping record? For Godsakes, show me you remember! (now franticly, clutching at lapels)
·         Sane man- Jesus is the reason for the season. Crazy man- Egg nog reminds me of crucifixions.
·         Sane man- Grrl, I wanna sex u up. Crazy man- This game has rules. I shimmy, you shake.
·         Sane man- It's late. Crazy man- The evening is positively Jurassic. 
·         Sane man- Hey hey! Ho ho! Racism has got to go! Crazy man- But when he leaves, where will his travels take him? And whom might he sup with?
·         Sane man- She blows my mind. Crazy man- Her eyes...they are like two almond-colored gusts of spring wind up into the welcoming maw of my tartan kilt.
·         Sane man- Give me a call. Crazy man- Bend the tops of trees with your cries of 'brethren! brethren!'
Toby Jim
In a way, Toby Jim seems to me to be the purest name ever invented. Really, it's undiluted southerness...pure as a freckled boy in overalls running beside a crick with his golden lab.
·         Toby Jim, birch rod in one hand, bucket fulla nightcrawlers in the other.
·         Toby Jim skinning his knee on the gravel after falling from his dirt bike.
·         Toby Jim lighting a firecracker under the bedroom window of Maureen, his 4th grade sweetheart.
·         Toby Jim, triumphant, prince amongst kudzu and pine.
·         ‘Toby Jim!’ the robins and cicadas cry in grateful reverence.
·         Toby Jim bolting out the door without his mittens.
·         Toby Jim trading his pop tarts for a twinkle in the lunchroom.
·         Toby Jim twisting a bully's arm on the blacktop.
·         Toby Jim skipping a rock nine times across the pond.
·         Toby Jim in Sunday best, praying to God not to send him to hell for spying up Miss Whitaker's dress.
·         Toby Jim getting his eagle scout badge.
·         Toby Jim admiring his big brother's red convertible.
·         Toby Jim losing a tooth in a piece of strawberry Hubba Bubba.
·         Toby Jim whistling 'let's go down ta th' craw'dad hole, grabya some bait, I'll get a pole' on the way home from school.
·         Toby Jim learning the chords to 'Froggy Went a Courtin' on his dad's Stella.
·         Toby Jim stealing his first kiss behind the woodshed. 
·         Toby Jim feeling sick from eating too much pie.
·         Toby Jim begging his mom to order away for that red Radio Flyer. 
·         Toby Jim whittling himself a walking stick.
Ice Cream Sundae variations
Beef Steak Mondae
Onion Ring Tuesdae
Fat BackWednesdae
French Fry Thursdae
Chocolate Shake Fridae 
Fish Filet Saturdae
(Makes you wish there were more days in the week, doesn't it?)
Some State Slogans
·         Connecticut: Trouble Awaits
·         Illinois: Amber Waves of Pain
·         New Jersey: The Pardon State
·         Louisiana: Pedophile’s Paradise
·         Philadelphia: City of Brotherly Shoves
·         Virginia: So Many Wasted Years
·         Oregon: Late Night Munchies & the Fridge is Empty
·         Vermont: How White Can We Be?
·         North Carolina: More VD per Square Mile than Anyplace Else
·         West Virginia: Chiggers Bite Nastymean Sometimes
·         California: Sun-Dried Apoplexy
·         New Mexico: Land of Encampment
·         South Carolina: The 'Oh Hell' State
·         Massachusetts: Schemers & Dreamers, Stratagems Await
·         Wyoming: So Much Rage
·         Virginia is for Procrastinators
·         Virginia: We Love It When You Misspell It “Vagina”

The Old Country (read aloud in an Irish accent)
-where a man's a man und he knows 'iz place
-where ya needn't have ta ask t'borrow from yer neighbor
-where ya could leave yer sheep out t'graze and they'd still be there in th' morrow
-where a lass kin walk fer miles ne'er seein' another soul
-where th' legenda' ol' Tinker Tailer still keeps th' yunguns up at night
-where a pound wuz a pound and it still bought yew dinner
-where a careless word against yer wife were still cause fer alarm
-where when ye tied one off wi' yer neighbor, ye knew ye had a friend
-where a lad could still navigate his craft by lighta' moon o’er Sligo bay
-where a hug and a kiss under the bramble treea' Branleigh still meant sumptin' special 'tween a boy und a girl
-where even th' commonest a' folk felt equal in th' eyes a' god
-where come each spring, th' lame und th' dumb were sacrificed ta th' eight headed sea god a' Banockburn (oh, was I not 'sposed ta say this one?)
-where th' sight o' a sheep's bum still makes me galoshes tingle wi' expectation
-where if ya tangled wif a feller as Jack Ketch, ya knew ya'd seen yer last
-where t'was no great worry if ol' man Hazeldean plucked th' ripe fig o' yer daughters feminine fruits, for t'was his nature
-where th' lepracauns gold lay unsullied by th' mits a' ol Cohen th' shopkeeper
-where every Friday on th' fortnight it twas at O'Flaherety's pub, young Jimmy McCrachet und his lads would play a Jig and a hornpipe ta get our spirits back inta fine condition
-where 'smoothyguts' O'Connel had a way wi' th' ladies ‘twas not to be trusted
-where it took a steady hand indeed ta say 'no' ta th' bewitchin' eyes a' miss Sally Timms
-where t'was a thorn in all our sides when Cohen und his clan began buyin' up land left and right
-where a kiss from th' likes a Kate MacKenzie had more healin' power than a whole army a' high-class British doctors
-where th' public stocks an' pillars in town square meant rascals the likesa’ Angus Tinker kept there schemin' ta themselves
-where t'were no great shame if a growin' lad were caught servicin' himself behind the mulberry bushes
-where fer when th' rough shod boys from county Cork came t' town, O'Brien the night watchman knew he’d have his full
-where ya'd best not be found havin' too many fingers inna pot a' Millers Gold, lest some of th' townsfolk start referin' to ye as 'ole moneybags'
-where the young ladies' charges against honest John the Cobbler were soon forgotten, and his shop back in business
-where if after a day’s huntin, ya returned home to find th' familiar sight a' old Baxter flyin' from above th' rooftop, ya best be reloadin' yer gun and fetchin' the hounds for huntin' of a different sorta prey
-where t'were a common enough sight ta see Betty's unfortunate halfwit son Slewfoot down upon his hands and knees, barkin' and carryin' on amongst the sheep
-where the sight a little Jimminy in blackface upon Christmas morn kept us all in stitches
-where th' blood of a Tinker was worth twice that of Kilkenny, and three times that of a Scot
-where it t'were a great thing to be bringin' yer songs and clowinin' to our little village, but mind ye not overstay yer welcome, lest some o' th' townsfolk start gettin' a bit tired of ya
-where you'd best not let Mrs. O'Mohylahan see ye from her shop window refusin' poor Pete the pauper a few too many times, lest ye start gettin' cold glances in the pub and turned milk at yer door
-where when a young man were ta come of age in the back room of O'Slahretey's pub, it were a safe bet he were comin' into his own
-where it twoudn't do to be missin' too many soccer matches, lest the two fisted lads down the pub think ye a nancyboy
-where th' meddlesome inquiries of a visitin' cityborn policeman might perchance be silenced by th' strong gusts of an October wind
-where a silkshirted city lad caught makin' eyes at carpenter Miller's  young miss might find himself strong enough to climbup the hill, but in no such state to be acomin' back down
-where we could not help but look askance at Addison’s daughter when she expressed a strong interest in studyin' music at a London University. Were not our sea-shanties and  reels enough for her?
-were t'would do a man good now and again to engage in a friendly pubroom brawl, just to remind us of his worth
-where if O’Tarrety were to overhear ye makin' light of his sister's deformity , ye could be expectin' a sack fulla' pebbles in yer face down the alley a'some blinkered eve
-where if yer child were to seen spendin' too much time with the wee darkies whose names we could not pronounce, yer wife might be on th' recievin' end of a little clothesline counsellin' by th' other missus
-where country technology is once again at th' forefrunt a' all new kinda inventions, like this new computer chip; t'makes a telephone answerin' machine clearer and funner to listen to than 'ere before
-were we have only th' briefest of words for those who return to our good village after leavin' intent on tastin' th' supposed joys a' city life
-where conversation became somewhat hushed when Cohen the shopkeeper and his sons were to stroll into the pub actin' as if they owned th' place
-where once were a city surgeon come ta open shop in our town, but oddly enough had to pack up back on his way when none of us 'came sick that year
-where you'd best keep yer sharp eyes peeled young McCrachet, fer 'tis a strange and inhospitable place, this new world
-where ya needn't know the latest cut a' clothin or this week’s fancy dance, fer if ye could work a plow or mend a boot, you were fine material indeed
-where Mrs. Burns' bonny daughter Nancy beguiled us all wi'her silky young voice and tender ballads, no doubt breakin' many a lads heart
-where t'were th' cruel winds a' change brought th' unkind new world crashin' down upon us

He, AMAN
he, that man, he's the man, could he be the man, yeh, he's the man. he, as the man, he's being that man, the man he's being he might well be, he is that man. yes indeed, he will be the man, acting as the man he has been, that will be him, as the man to be. should he be the man, maybe as the man goes it, rather he, is him. him until then being the man, unlike a man to be then before, that was this, his being of the man. a man apart from any other him, the man that is. man, man, to believe him as the man is almost much more than that of another man, many mans, the man, that of another only man, apart as the man. whoa, it's now come clear, he's the man, sheesh, better believe he's here in context as the man, full force, man is here, man approaching, man alert, man on the way. man at bay. man on land, man next door, baby, man in the house, man has come, him, as the only man. as here as none other but that of the man, man attack, man unbelievable in purity as simply man, man unadorned by that that is non-man, man cut from finest man-cloth, man trouble when non-man, non-man not near man, goodness thank you for man is that that now becomes element of man. evolution from that beyond man, nay before man, to that of 200% man, man actualization, no 'x' in song of this, that man. the man entitled to concept of mannish, he the man, the mannish man of mannishment. treading loudly on all of antiman, bannishment of sub-man, man-opposite reviled for him that is man. heads up boys, man in the house, man about the house, man not mouse, but man of our years, life colored by our man, him our man informing our age. man move us forward as man not mystery, man upon man, man only man. man, better believe we've got our man. clan of the man, the man band, cult of the man, man beyond man of that which is not (of man that is), man! man! man oh man! go man! keep it hot, man of extreme temperature! flaming man! oh, back down, man of sky, man of planet, man beyond gravity, man with foot upon ground, man with ear to yon grindstone, bound man, the man of landlocked sand, our man, that man being as who of him that is man, he as man far above heavy foot man, our second then first one, rather, man. but wait, is this our man? he, man above man, is he manning the post? enough known about this, him that is man? perhaps wait, man may show himself, that as man that is heralded from all of man as him that is this, who is free, which is right, well as truth, there enough, surely man would nay doubt, ne'er challenge, a code of all man. who will say? who will choose? who will question? who thus to genuflect? a champion from man, to guide man upon man. jokes may not sound, chimes may not ring, birds may not chirp, worlds may not turn, suns may not shine, nor song may not sing, until this, our man from no man, a man above man-core, will shimmer and soar, man kin with no man, but a man who has come, far from away, from beyond sky beyond dale, beyond creek beyond trail, to tell us the meaning of man, this, him that is man as concept of only man, man that he is, him our man. Hey ya'll, here strolls a man, maybe the man of that masquerading as none other than that, it, or rather, man. might could be just that, the very downright blessed man made flesh, man beyond man. focus in with man eyes, discern outline of figure on horizon, two strong legs enable strong gait of towering man, man held aloft upon bipedal turrets, mannish torso glistening proud man sweat, manly arms buoyant beside thick manned trunk, shoulders maniscent slopey pads for manly locks from mannish mane, man from beyond man's head beacon spoiling darkness of antiman. man held aloft by virtuous good of manliness, man before time, man for a mannish age, man-star among many a man-child, man, man. aman. (to be read aloud with great enthusiasm, please.)
Forgotten Dance Styles
·         The Crotch Polish (Chris Ware's invention)
·         The Dangling Modifier
·         The Pit Sniffin' Armpit Shake
·         Old Australian Neck Fondle
·         Romper Stamper Left Foot Clamper
·         New Jersey Tummy Rub
·         The Languid Ankle Waltz
·         The 'Look Into My Eyes' Hypnosis Swirl
·         Chittlin 'Diet Heiney Bump
·         South Carolina Chin Wag
·         The Reckless Martini Lunge
·         Bygone Slovakian Head Rub
·         Old Irish Elbow Greaser
·         The Cut Time Nostril Grasp
·         Full Frontal Nudity Pirouette
·         The Bowel Bender
·         Alabama Knee Scratcher
·         The 'Shudda Stayed At Home' Ass Buster
·         Argentinian Geriatric Cane Rumba
·         Th' Dusty Tramp Stamp

Suggestion for a religious hymn: 'I Got Jesus Up My Butt'
Pete was not what you 'd call romantic- “You kin spend yer whole life a courtin ', yet it don't take jest but a minute la stick it in'
Ad Slogans I’d Like to See
·         Ralph's Eatery: Come, sup here, and let us loosen your bowels
·         Victoria 's Secret: Our thongs feel so good riding up your butt-crack 
·         Burger King: Stop by for dinner and eat a slaughtered soul
·         Best Western: Brand new logo, same middling quality
·         Super 8: Look at us now- no more filthy clumps
North Carolina Fact Sheet
·         state nickname: Old North State, The Tarheel State
·         state bird: Cardinal
·         state song: "The Old North State "
·         state colors: red & blue
·         state fish: Channel Bass
·         stare shell: Scotch Bonnet
·         state rock: Granite
·         state reptile: Eastern Box Turtle
·         state precious gem: Emerald
·         state beverage: tie- Chocolate Yoo-Hoo
·         state insect: Honey Bee
·         state mammal: Gray Squirrel
·         state flower: Dogwood
·         state vehicle: John Deere Wildcat
·         state soft drink: Pepsi-Cola
·         state tree: Longleaf Pine
·         state haircut: nothing ostentatious
·         state dessert preference: frosted w/ a cherry on top
·         state smell: a sort of leather-tobacco-pharmaceutical hybrid
·         state sound: tie- Cicadas & rustling pine needles
·         state dog: Plott Hound
·         state boat: Historic Shad Boat
·         state superhero: The Purger
·         state immigrant: Boris from Slovenia
·         state liquor: JD slow sippin' whiskey
·         state video game: 'CropDuster Sam' (never caught on elsewhere)
·         state vegetable: Corndogs
·         state karate move: full lotus crabclaw stance w/ bloated toad bellyflip
·         state greeting: 'hi, y'all'
·         state crop: Marijuana, closely followed by Tobacco
·         state obscenity: 'gol-dangit!'
·         State high: Buttercup sniffin'
·         state firearm: tie- .22 semi-automatic rifle & .30 ought-six
·         state instrument: Martin 1903 parlour guitar
·         state vice: Soymilk
·         state hobby: flight
·         state magazine: Tarheel Tatt 'ler
·         state artist: Clyde Jones
·         state weirdo: Eugene Chadbourne
·         state hero: tie- Elizabeth Cotton & Doc Watson
·         state troubadour: Dexter Romweber
·         state disgrace: Jim & Tammy-Sue Baker
·         state embarassment: incontinence
·         state fetish: new-car smell
·         state deoderant: Tarheel Jiilip
·         stale disease- VD
·         state bully: tie- Jesse Helms, US Senator; Ernie, student of Spivy's Corner middle school
·         state key signature: C major
·         state helicopter: Huey gunship
·         state turn-on: guys-farmgirls who can talk philosophy/gals-bootscootin' boys w/clear blue eyes
·         state turn-off: hangnails
·         state time signature:3/4- a sentimental waltz (close 2nd- a cut line barnyard stomp)
·         state assumption: S.C. is just the B-side of N.C.
·         state fear: that our younguns will grow up ungrateful
·         state rumour: Mavis & Reverend Darryl are doin' th' dirty deed
·         state thespian: Andy Griffith 
·         state play: The Lost Colony
·         state memory: tie- 1981 apple chill caramel apple bobbin' & 1968 Black Mountain Bluegrass
·         Summit
·         state pet peeve: northerners who get N. C. & S.C. mixed up
·         state motto: tie- "to be rather than to seem w/ "don 't go' round hungry" .
·         state criminal: Vince, now holed up in Fuquway-Varina
·         state armchair: la-z-boy
·         state expression: 'now don't that butter d' biscuits?'
·         state dish: Candid Yams & Chittlin Pie 
·         state blood type: O positive 
·         state anathema: Carrboro
·         state war-cry: tie between 'If'n you feel it ain’t right, fight!' and ‘who done gone 'n' opened up that can of
whupass?'
·         state banshee yell: 'Channnnndlerrrrr!'
Glory! (From an idea by David Rees)
Glory! Remained aloof while giving birth
Glory! Brushed my teeth…ninja style
Glory! Indicted GI Joe in The Hague for war crimes
Glory! Joined at ska band at the age of 73
Glory! Convinced Hallmark execs to make March 23rd “Write Like a Pirate Day”
Glory! Hired a Buddhist as the high-school gym teacher
Glory! Changed my name to The Artist Formerly Known As Dandy Hotpants
Glory! Named my daughter’s German Sheppard “Final Solution”
Glory! Started an intravenous food fight
Glory!  On a lark, succumbed to a rare tropical disease
Glory! Put a hornet's nest inside the piñata for my 10 year old’s birthday party
Glory! Taught my kid a pretend alphabet before kindergarten
Glory! Played “Frankie Teardrop” at my wedding
Glory! Opened a vegan theme park
Glory! Got fondled at El Dorado clinic
Glory! Traded in my cell phone for two tin cans and some string, my laptop for an abacus
Glory! Voted Hot Tamale Cancer Queen seven years running
Glory! Cold-cocked an angel
Glory! Gave up sex for whiter teeth
Glory! Bluffed my way into Divinity school
Glory! Sold my shadow at an auction
Glory! Did a vegan striptease
Glory! Uncovered secrets of cheese
Glory! Hiked my way into an erogenous zone
Glory! Got a job in the rumor mill
Glory! Became erotic, then disappeared
Glory! Drew gold rings around a rusted bike
Glory! Kvetched my way into infamy
Glory! Gave blowjobs in braille
Glory! Lobbied for the late night TV scantily-clad clause
Glory! Sold brisket door to door
Glory! Killed myself to be with God
Glory! Lost my virginity five minutes before my first kiss
Glory! Caught my brother’s foreskin in a zipper
Glory! Brought absinthe to a potluck
Glory! Failed The Coors Lite entrance exams
Glory! Asked my roommate to wipe me when I’d finished
Glory! Got an erection in a speedo
Glory! Believed the gospel of Saturday morning cartoons
Glory! Hummed my own theme song
Glory! Tap danced in the abattoir
Glory! Misused the word 'burgeoning' eleven times on a sea cruise
Glory! Donated silverware to the local crack house
Glory! Affected a pan-European accent
Glory! Lied to a microwave oven
Glory! Spent a week summoning my druthers
Glory! Organized a bake sale for the Ku Klux Klan
Glory! Compiled 432 Who's Hot-Who's Not lists
Glory! Won a MacArthur for my research into cat flatulence
Glory! Ridiculed despair
Glory! Gave Up Veal for Winona
Glory! Transcribed Beethoven's' 9th for classical banjo
Glory! Pondered the legality of granola
Glory! Taught a course on takin' it easy
Glory! Plundered the blood bank with lighthearted ease
Glory! Wore headgear to school to impress a flaxen-haired cheerleader
Glory! Watched inept new wavers save the day
Glory! Stole someone's virginity, then gave it back
Glory! Compared violin to a basket of socks
Glory! Masturbated on Space Mountain
Glory! Prayed to Drew for trouble in mind
Glory! Was a shoe-in for class misanthrope
Glory! Told ghost stories while on death row
Glory! Asked for a raise in semaphore, got fired in Morse code
Glory! Experienced déjà vu during an epiphany
Glory! Took my grandma to a shocker
Glory! Farted a diminished 7th
Glory! Caught the Tooth Fairy in action
Glory! Beat up my camp counselor
Glory! Drew straws for a soul mate
Glory! Sued Italy for plagiarism
Glory! Waffled on the underarm issue
Glory!  Sold crack during communion
Glory! Convinced the local scenster contingent to take up taxidermy
Glory! Consulted Consumer Reports for hovercraft purchase advice
Glory! Made the architectural case for the oubliette
Glory! Told my ex she’d really “swollen out” since last I saw her
Glory! Formed a catty social clique in deep space
Glory! Developed a vegan theme park
Glory! Dressed in muted greys for the month of May
Glory! Won a Grammy for singing in the shower
Glory! Figured out the chemical formula for Pop Rocks
Glory! Fell asleep at my funeral
Glory! Waited until my daughter was twelve before naming her
Glory! Sent death threats to the new Captain Kangaroo
Glory! Went fishing with a flame thrower
Glory! Wept when I realized I’d never whistle a Bach fugue
Glory! Ate nothing but olives for nine days straight, then kissed the mayor
Glory! Patented my own method of shoelace tying
Glory! Taught my parrot Ebonics
Glory! Instigated a blacktop fistfight
Glory! Underwent extensive plastic surgery six hours before my high-school reunion
Glory! Stalked an albino newscaster
Glory! Wrote a poem for my penis
Glory! Sued myself on grounds of sexual harassment
Glory! Flossed my teeth in 4.5 seconds flat
Glory! Went camping in Cherynobol
Glory! Served Kool Aid at an art opening
Glory! Did a 'free form wind dance' for 4th grade show and tell
Glory! Toyed with the idea of nostril implants
Glory! Hosted a celebrity roast, took things too far and called the roastee a 'lowdown skinnydicked motherfucker'
Glory! Hooked up with Jesus on PlentyofFish
Glory! Nursed a plant to health with self-help tapes
Glory! Dangled my fiancée over the lion's pen
Glory! Bungee jumped with dental floss
Glory! Consulted a lawyer for hairstyle advice
Glory! Got mired in the mud of false promises
Glory! Marketed a fluoride-infused beer for those young men too lazy to brush
Glory! Gave Adam’s apple back
Glory! Won bronze at the Hand Job Olympics
Glory! Took heaven's exam, cheated by writing the meaning of life on the side of my arm
Glory! Offered oblique advice to a lamp post
Glory! Looked ghoulish in plaid
Glory! Convinced my parole officer to help knock over a liquor store
Glory! Confounded my notion of erotica by fondling a jellyfish
Glory! Showed my grandchildren how to plant doobich
Glory! Turned down a marriage proposal when I learned she didn't have cable
Glory! Met a body meetin'a body acomin' through the rye
Glory! Halved an apple just to watch it brown
Glory! Campaigned tirelessly for the creation of a Lil' Debbie Snack Cake National Monument
Glory! Grew impatient with hairweaving
Glory! Deep-sixed my chances on the campaign trail by French-kissing the babies and high-fiving
the moms
Glory! Told my 6th grade teacher she kinda had that 'fuck me' look
Glory! Spent 13 weeks combing a lexicon for misspellings 
Glory! Lectured a Cub Scout den on the joys of tantric sex
Glory! Invented motorcycles that ran on fear
Glory! Instigated the first all-nude PTA meeting
Glory! Browbeat a sofa within an inch of its life
Glory! Moved to Akron to better understand Haitian Voodoo Rituals
Glory! Became king of the mountain, only to realize I now stood atop a hill of my own spit
Glory! Rewrote the book on how to write the book
Glory! Confused sight and smell, attempting to smell my way down a darkened path
Glory! Learned the world's first joke
Glory! Won a maiden's heart with an aggressively anti-Semitic billboard campaign
Glory! Married at Hooters, honeymooned at Mall of America, divorced at Wendy 's
Glory! Created a Nickelodeon Cartoon series for Max Ernst's bird friend Lop-Lop
Glory! Saved my marriage with newfound sandwich making skills
Glory! Stunned myself by dreaming in cursive
Glory! Toned my flabby midriff by writing manifestos
Glory! Nailed pennies to a mechanical pauper
Glory! Navigated the labyrinthine process of Peter's pretzel logic
Glory! Bottled & sold Eau d' Armpit
Glory! Fed zoo lions LSD
Glory! Bombed at a New Jersey comedy club, then pogoed my way to Georgia
Glory! Furthered my entertainment career with silicon earlobe implants
Glory! Spotted the soul of my dead lover in a cat's green eyes
Glory! Grilled a steak between my thighs
Glory! Fainted at a paintball tourney
Glory! Became snowed in with a hermaphrodite
Glory! Earned six figures writing Scottish short stones

From the Department of Why Stop There?
"the pampered chef"
the fellated chef
the coke-addled chef
the erect chef
the recipient-of-happy-endings chef
the serviced chef
the cash-infused chef
the well-bribed chef
the engorged chef
the tumescent chef
the lathered-in-a-milkbath-by-nubile-virgins chef
the en-fragante-delicto chef
the dionysian chef
the well-sexed chef

"an early riser"
an insomnia-wracked sob
a neurotic, over-achieving corporate bitch

"an eager beaver”
a psychotically obsessed stalker

"happy campers"
blithe young fools
rictus-stricken nerve gas victims

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