Sunday, September 22, 2013

Things I Live For
·         zero-gravity circumcisions
·         masturbating lions to tame them
·         crass cocktail tactics
·         sputum on the mouths of babes
·         snow days in Fresno
·         slinking into middle age
·         rabbis on the make
·         that 53 year old who reminds you of your prep-school soul mate
·         bearded convenience store ladies
·         hexcapades, shexapades, big-budget fiascos
·         flabby masks and sweat-soaked weekends
·         sunken pumpkins
·         fruits seven hours shy of decrepitude
·         coat hanger remotes
·         institutional breakfasts
·         parasnailing
·         der blaue reiters
·         pirouetting west of life's great divide
·         the women of astrodome/nerf-terf hump ruggers
·         renegade marriage vows
·         ketchupy hoe-downs and salty cat scans
·         arms-akimbo divorcees with green eyes
·         Futurist Car Crash sympathy cards
·         what Futurism means to DeForst Kelly
·         Uncle Pete's gaum stick collection
·         Polly's golden showers
·         never really knowing Elizabeth until she shat that creamsicle
·         the gombeenman
·         pettifogging at the marketplace
·         permanent part-timers
·         oubliettes in every home
·         Ornette's old white boot
·         Enid's dad leaving town after raping the cat
·         Cubism gone awry
·         blanched guests and burnt corn fritters
·         come-hither glances from pieces of toast
·         late-night lectures in that secretive dismissive place
·         taking the note taking world by storm
·         The Crankshaft Mechanic’s Coming-Out Ball
·         pre-industrial ways of saying “I’m losing signal strength”
·         sophomoric quivers and septuagenarian controversies
·         posthumous employment references
·         dress sock advice from social fugitives
·         haircut tips from the recently deceased
·         Prozac-induced marriage proposals
·         Gifted and Talented programs for the willfully obscure
·         blacktop Jello fights
·         playing German Dodge Ball with nascent queers
·         trampling Sir Richard on the basketball court
·         Stewart, the patron saint of whimsy
·         no fly zones and churchyard muggings
·         a bar band named No Left Turn
·         crack sweat and the way it smells on the tip of my finger
·         The phrase “Fuckee Turdballs”
·         being able to shout “you- yer mama- yer greasy granny wif a hole in her panties goin' beep! beep! beep! down sesame street” at McDonalds
·         Artemis as a child’s name
·         Tasmanian fjords on acid
·         unabashed favoritism at the ice rink
·         tough-tittied scholars
·         watching bravado when it fails
·         teaching sitcom guest stars to make Gandalfian Jello molds
·         skipping church to beat off
·         Pre-Raphaelite hair-evasion techniques
·         Irish muscle all a tussle
·         oracle sex in hammocks
·         that “click” sound of a popped pimple as it breaks through the swollen layer of stretched skin
·         crippled kids wielding butane
·         a piece of bubblegum hardened upon an electrical object, still there 12 years later
·         wasting papal time
·         marriage as performance art
·         Lincoln's log
·         astral flatulence
·         hands going 'klickety klack' as Frititzy paddles across the floor
·         ''s incredible!...and I'm a whole block away!'- this sort of thing with one's first set of walky talkies
·         sealed prawns above the girls' shower
·         29 minute CDs (doesn’t that just piss you off?)
·         The velveteen tureen
·         Mr. & Mrs. Godzilla
·         Victorian obstacle courses
·         Hawaiian Shit and the Tumbling Eloquentaries
·         “We're magnets!” sing the Brungenbillyaberg Ha's Ha's
·         wispy topknots on tumbling kewpies
·         stealthy emergences from behind soup tureens
·         Trixy Salacious and The Sanctified Carbuncles
·         The “Color Me Barabbas” children’s Bible coloring book
·         Soothing tensions after a Martian fistfight
·         Purr when cocked, squeal when smoothed
·         coy copy from designer doo-rags
·         Side lipped jokes about Choate 7's god
·         caustic quips and well-received blows to the head
·         lowbrow- highbrow- whiplash desserts from the spinsters who rock
·         ale so wicked you'd swear you were in hell
·         new bike smell followed immediately by wet cabbage windy flatulence
·         remembered fungus in a D.C. hotel room, 1979
·         , 2 3 i 4IS! 
·         D.D. Bean/Castilian wannabes clashing at summer camp slumber frenzies
·         Wyoming: That Endless Fury
·         Spencer’s essays on music-- your music
·         paddling across her yesterdays
·         dicey prayer  tactics
·         aquatic forget-me-knots
·         parsimonious sweepstakes
·         snowed-in celebrity celibates

Week One: Drunken Bike Ride Across The Sahara
Week Two: Hackysackin' with Jesus and the Bread Bake Boys
Week Three: Pudding Investigation
Week Four:  Drinking Scotch with Earmuff Masking Factory Safety Inspectors
Week Five: Outlawing Wah-Wah Pedals
Week Six: Drunk Dunking at the Mystery Puff Masquerade
Week Seven: Blowing the lid off nepotism in the animal kingdom
Week Eight: Paging Dr. Octopus
Sports Teams to Root For
·         Atlanta Cancer Dogs
·         Boston Corpse Fuckers
·         Hezzbolah Rockets
·         Florida Tsetse Flies
·         Los Angeles Nose Pickers
·         New York Ass Kickers
·         Crotch Grabbin' 'Canes
·         UNC Shit Sniffers
·         Pittsburgh HIV Pirates
·         New Jersey Chocolatiers
·         Michigan Plainclothes
·         South Carolina Leprechauns
·         Wabash County Titty Twisters
·         Ohio Backscratchers
·         Salt Lake City Know Nothings
·         Cincinnati Kleptos
·         Rhode Island Alkies
·         Charleston Homos
·         Washington Hackers
·         Philadelphia Butt Grabbers
·         New England Root Canals
·         Louisiana Forget-Me-Nots
·         Seattle Tire Irons
·         Nebraska Pedophiles
·         Georgia Toe Jammers
·         Mississippi Charmers
·         San Francisco Xenophobes
·         Chicago Cretins
·         Milwaukee Backstabbers
·         Dade County Flyboys
·         Nub City Fops
·         St. Louis Innuendos
·         Kentucky Crepe Suzzettes
·         Albemarle Jimminies
·         New Hampshire Teeth Grinders
·         Florida Stalactites
·         Tarheel BattleMechs
·         Detroit Carbuncles
Ice Cream Flavors to Avoid

Pineapple Jockstrap
Peppermint Futurist Windshield-Shard Crunch
Heavenly Haggis
Sweetbread Swirl
Pigeon Stool Delight

Four Poems for the Ship Shop Boys
Solid. Dependable. A Madness You Can Trust.
Secretive Leaks. Artichoke tryst powdered by the One.
Agents. Powerful Beans. Expressing the Intangible.

Goldbloom. Torques. Methodology of Imitation.
Flares. Digestible Ring.
Billy Banknote spirits a mapeled mistress.

Uncoverings. Mixolydian. A Seamstress in New York.
Difficulties. zzzLiners. Fist shot. Incorrigibility in full bloom, from a tug, from a lug.
Drago. Pool Notes.
The ignominy of bliss.
Squeaks. Eagle-Clown. Messages from the One.

A Jazzer in Quebec. The prizes of my admission. Squassation. The price of my ambition.
Look! inbred recovery!
Noseums. Sunflecks. Crazy little things.
Yes, I would be honored to wipe your ass.

·         That former Yankee- he’s now in trouble. Would the old boys come save his ass? Hired killer, by all means. Take the test, but you might not like what you find.
·         Gastrointestinal disorder, sweet nothings, the whole shebang
·         Grand larceny on an utterly insignificant scale
·         Petrol hate crimes from the north of Sussex
·         Wretched uncoveries from Seamus's house of wax
·         Your favorite pale crow now comes in a shiny wax wrapper
·         No matter how many first or middle names you sport, a last name of Impetigo will still make us uncomfortable
·         Pinky, Muffin, & those few words of discretion
·         The corner store grocer exerted an almost unstoppable erotic pull over Mitch, Theo, and myself
·         Larceny, I can honor. Trainstretching, I can never forgive.
·         bBbbbb b bbBBb: a treatise on my fridge
·         Your favorite candy bar is now made entirely of tinfoil. Did you not see this coming?
·         That haircut was whispering to me. Good lord, the secrets that it shared. I must wash myself.
·         Slyness, the dishwasher reprimands the ages. Misplaced entitlement, he's got to get that off his chest: h*V6
·         New Work city, you still owe me 68 degrees
·         The blind champion bug-catcher, whose jealousy knew no bounds. He would be utterly incapable were it not for his seeing-eye fish (which in a fit of pique he renamed 3ycct/@~*P'L)
·         22nd century, I put this to you: Will you elect a bald president?
·         Integrity is mine; I own a tongue ring
·         I wouldn't trust him, his nudity demands a new dimension of understanding
·         I took a tan shit on a tin roof
·         I'll live to 106, charting sandal fashions all the while
·         Oh mystery diphthong,  twin tops my nubbins they did lay
·         I first became interested in you when Buddha ate a Creamsicle
·         I’d like to shake the hand of the Hollywood exec who ordained that, in the future, all military showers will be coed. (I do these things)
·         As an example of irrepressible old world élan, I will now wank from this second story window onto the street below
·         Chocolate frog on an albino lily= a turd in the toilet, perched atop floating toilet paper

When the Smoke Clears

·         when the smoke clears you'll reconsider the safety stamp collecting
·         when the smoke clears you'll regret flinging pennies at the moon
·         when the smoke clears you'll envision the advantages of abstinence
·         when the smoke clears you'll resume your A Man Called Sloan fan fiction
·         when the smoke clears you'll wonder if dogs duffer from post-traumatic stress
·         when the smoke clears you'll hope it isn’t infectious
·         when the smoke clears you'll wonder how the Greeks ever made it this far
·         when the smoke clears you'll resume salsaing with a renewed vigor you never dreamt possible
·         when the smoke clears you'll feel vaguely wistful at something your sister almost got away with
·         when the smoke clears you'll wish your parents hadn't been hypnotherapists
·         when the smoke clears you'll wish you grew fins
·         when the smoke clears you'll focus in and get down to business on the bagel racket
·         when the smoke clears you'll avoid exercise when above the Mason-Dixon Line
·         when the smoke clears you'll take better notes during shark documentaries
·         when the smoke clears you’ll cheat your way through bartending school
·         when the smoke clears you’ll finally shake that prejudice against Jamaicans
·         When the smoke clears you'll divine the secrets of police corruption
·         when the smoke clears you'll re-embrace personal hygiene
·         when the smoke clears you'll get married to the letter X
·         when the smoke clears you'll long to develop tendonitis at your least favorite sport
·         when the smoke clears you'll make doe eyes at the Bank One security guard
·         When the smoke clears you'll have to admit that Jim Jones had a way of getting things done
·         when the smoke clears you'll be the new wonderstuff
·         when the smoke cleans you'll be first in line on the NASA space probe
·         when the smoke clears you'll be the new Svengali of Vietnamese porn
·         when the smoke clears you'll have a top ten urban hit
·         when the smoke clears you'll know of twenty ways to cook brisket
·         when the smoke clears you’ll regret not having acne
·         when the smoke clears you'll write thank you notes to these who teased you in high school
·         when the smoke clears you'll wait tables with your eyes closed
·         when the smoke clears you'll invent four new scrotum tightening exercises
·         when the smoke clears you'll forget how to fuck
·         when the smoke clears you’ll stop tying your shoelaces too tight
·         when the smoke clears you'll find yourself overcompensating at parties
·         when the smoke clears you'll get to working helping your friends develop chemical dependencies
·         when the smoke clears you'll pursue ways of engendering loved ones in foreign locales
·         when the smoke clears you'll brush up on your knot tying abilities
·         when the smoke clears you'll be whom the Papal Foxtrotters are after
·         when the smoke clears you'll wish you'd paid closer attention during those Three's Company reruns
·         when the smoke clears you'll check out the new Kate Stevens Dish Drainer
·         when the smoke clears you'll write the optimist philosopher manifesto
·         when the smoke clears you'll have lots to answer for
·         when the smoke clears you’ll resume guzzling absinthe in Ohio

A Devil’s Chorus Line (or A One-Act Play Too Brief for Words)
·         In what precious leisure time Barb and I possess, we enjoy our little outings to the inner-city hospitals where we go to gawk and point at the little spindly crack babies. In. order to celebrate Independence Day, Barb and myself will usually knock over a Pakistani liquor store. In special moments of intimacy, especially upon our anniversary, Barb will sometimes lovingly apply the Khmer Rouge underwater strangulation technique I taught her on one of our first dates. Then, when I've drifted into an oxygen deprived unconsciousness, she begins to take her pleasure freely.
·         Winston, of Smithers & Barnacle law firm, still cherishes certain childhood beliefs. Presently he is writing, hoping, and praying to Santa Claus to grant him the Bubchick account for Christmas.

Advice for the Modern-Day Manholio
It takes confidence to smell your very worst. Real confidence to ignore entreaties toward hygiene. Absolute self-confidence to dispense with deodorant in all its forms. Unwavering belief in one's worth to poo loudly during charity dinners. Personal power to answer friendly handshakes with rumbling gastric erupti. Old world, integrity to emit squeaky intestinal shrieks during the keynote speaker. Selfless generosity to sweat profusely into white dress shirts. Genuine empathy to convey the stench of acute halitosis to dining companions. Continental élan to carry incontinence into all walks of life. We are only just now beginning to appreciate the value of bodily smells. Odors which emanate from dark places are especially good.

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