Sunday, September 22, 2013


Curses
·         fuckee turdballs (used in 1980, to mixed results)
·         ballsucking fuckbag
·         lunking fucking crushdog
·         rotten dinking shatfuck
·         cunting fucktips
·         shitbagging cutfuck
·         dewlsucking fuckmonkey cockkike
·         shitfucking dickfag
·         janking cumsquat
·         simping fuckwad
·         jesus fuck
·         guntelfunking shagdog
·         scunting wanktard
·         christmas on a crotch
·         crymiminy
·         dogsucking spoogerip
Curses that Have No Cursewords
·         teen funksuck monkeychunt
·         rotten muthatrucka
·         shanking skunchdog
·         hunking dewlrips
·         skankridden simpering muleskamps on a fickerting dicktog
·         scuperating scruntchtards wank an oozering eyetoe. fecklet.
·         greasefunksuck shimmydog tentfisting sally strothers

Lord Save Us From
·         the New Brunswick Sackbutt Ensemble
·         black thigh highs on capricious lovers
·         losing so much face as to cease being recognizable
·         the letter X when its back is to the wall
·         guitarists wearing hightops, tight black jeans, and white t-shirts (and fanny packs during their down time)

Movies and TV Shows I’d Like to See

Who Wants To Be A Legionnaire?
Cavity Search
Unrepentant Garage Torchers
Finding Your Dream House With Realtors With Tourette’s
Sociopath Camp
Project Runaway
So You Think You Can Feltch?
Who Wants To Be A Douchebag?
The Year of Living Strangerously
Henry & June & Bob & Ted & Carol & Alice
Himalayan Bell Fuckers
A Fistful of Fistulas
The Phantom of The Oprah
Abattoir And Costello
Schindler's Cyst
Rebel Without A Tweet
I Am Lesion
Felch
Schindler's Lisp
I Know You Know That I Know What You Did Last NPR Fund Drive
Dude, Where's My Catheter?
She Schtups To Conquer
Last Mango In Paris
The Fetish Prince Of Bel Air
Sleeveless In Seattle
Meme Girls
Joey Yadkin’s Grandfather Scent Party
Mighty Morphine Power Rangers
Celebrity Shark Attacks  (this happens when Bravo and The Discovery Channel join forces)

Taglines for Imaginary Films
Hackers in Love: "He found a back door...into her heart"
Musicals I'd Like to See
Hello, Dali!
Guys And Dowels
Hello, Dalai!
Appalachian Silent Spring
Oklahoma (Federal Building)!
The Rocky Honor Picture Show
Little Shop Of Torahs
Marquis De Sade: A Life In Song
Pol Pot Follies
Jonestown On Ice
Attica: The Musical
Bergen, Belsen, Auschwitz, Oh My!
Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Goiter
My Fair Ladyboy
Les Misanthropes
The Loin King

Knowing that both James Joyce and Mozart enjoyed scatological humor, I propose the following title revisions:
Portrait of the Fartist as a Young Man
The Magic Chute

T-Shirts I’d like to See
·         Front: a headshot of actor Klaus Kinski. Back: the phrase "Let The Love In"

Food Slogans that Didn’t Make the Cut
·         Cheese: “It's what the doctor ordered."
·         Corn: “Nothing less than the best."
·         "Make tonight a wonderful night. Make tonight a brisket night."
·         Bacon: “The rock star of meats"
·         Broccoli: “You’re under no obligation, you know."
·         Herring: “Fraught with possibilities."
·         Beans: “We’ll fuck your shit up.”
·         Chicken: “The duct tape of meats."
·         Polenta: “Hey, at least it meant well."
·         Brussel sprouts: “Now, more than ever, exercise caution."
·         Turnips: “When enjoyment's not a factor."
·         Chitlins: “You wanted authenticity, white boy."
·         Haggis: “Chin up lad, you're almost finished."
·         Oatmeal: “David Bowie eats it. Why don't you?"
·         Sweet breads: “Because everyone appreciates a euphemism."
·         Olives: “They came in peace."
·         “Laced with arsenic, Snickers is sure to satisfy...your desire for death!”
·         Chicken: “The Macgyver of meats."
·         Asparagus: “Eat us now, smell us later.”

Ways
·         the way some of us look better with our clothes on
·         the way life's rich pageant just rolled on by
·         the way mama's new tire-iron jambalaya ferreted out all manner of secrets from underworld kingpins
·         the way the end credits of The Jetsons and The Flinstones were my first exposure to existentialism
·         the way in my previous life I was a grain of opium in pre-WWl Shanghai
·         the way a fat 3rd grade teacher laughs like a panting puppy
·         the way you can’t tell if you dreamt about your girlfriend loudly farting or whether it really happened
·         the way CitiBank now offers seven convenient ways of disrobing in front of your friends
·         the way blowjobs are all too much like comets: brilliant flashes that take their time reentering life’s orbit
·         the way playground tenderness is a kick to the shins
·         the way reformed drunkards make the best tug boat captains
·         the way only the wimpy rock stars go bald
·         the way Sergio repeatedly catches my libido off guard
·         the way the wife drops off the kids, only to forget where
·         the way a father can't help notice that his daughter looks way too good in jeans
·         the way fire drills remind me of you
·         the way corpses make me nostalgic
·         the way “the crazysitter” lets you stay up late
·         the way a bad haircut serves as your own unsuccessful resume
·         the way back-seat car rides elicit uncontrollable erections
·         the way gay people stick together
·         the way my face becomes soft, round, and moony with age
·         the way belt buckles could tell us a thing or two about machinations behind closed doors
·         the way bodies keep a bodyin’
·         the way bullets have a certain insistence about them
·         the way a party pines for cheese
·         the way Idaho Mary couldn't teach viola worth a darn, but could whip together a wicked mid-America Shingle Loaf
·         the way an empty shampoo bottle wheezes like an asthmatic negotiating a flight of stairs
·         the way an uncircumcised penis resembles an elephant's trunk
·         the way cats are French and dogs are Greek
·         the way nobody’s really sure which one is Ben and which one is Jerry
·         the way a starlet needs a Svengali
·         the way a piece of bubblegum clings to a fencepost for the tail end of your childhood, the duration of your adolescence, the entirety of your adulthood, and on tenaciously into the twilight of your arthritic years
·         the way Dexter Romweber deserves a lifetime Southern Folkloric Achievement Award
·         the way Mark E. Smith just is scabrousness personified
·         the way Beverly Hills plastic surgeons don't concern themselves with shin jobs
·         the way an eyelash shares its secrets



Morganthal

·         Grimacing as he swallowed his first bite of Turkey Rueben sandwich, Morganthal thought to himself, "This sandwich tastes like halitosis smells."
·         Taking stock of the strewn sheets, open cereal boxes, and cigarette ashes on the floor, Morganthal thought, "Zooey. She drops in and out of my life. Like a narcoleptic at a dance marathon. Fits and starts."
·         “The unfortunate collision of limbs that is Pater Noster dancing” mused Morganthal, aloud to himself amidst the unholy din of Barthelomew’s nightclub.

These are the Named People
·         Crystal Haggis- revered Scottish country singer
·         Popcorn Mcgillicutty- shifty circus impressario
·         Ethel Sweetcakes- giggling teenage biplane mechanic
·         Pockets Finkelstein- Jewish mechanic extraordinaire
- Hortipice Spence- Recovering Giggle Addict
 

Calling Bullshit on That
·         "There are no second acts in American life." F. Scott Fitzgerald
Tell that to John Travolta.
·         "No one owns life, but anyone who can pick up a frying pan owns death. William Burroughs
Nonsense. Anyone who can stick it in or welcome it in owns life.

Overlooked Minutes in History

12:01am, Aug. 12th, 1982
Benedict LaVois places stamp upon the envelope that encloses the official patent for his wholly original after-dinner wine enema kit.

12:02am, Jan. 20th, 1831
Persephone Noad coins term "riot grrl” in urging women to reject the then fashionable Victorian waistline and its attendant corset.

3:43pm, June 22nd, 1982
Exene Cervenka and Siouxsie Sioux meet on the street in LA. Mutual double takes ensue.

12:03am, tJuly 7th, 1998
Tiger Dupre disproves the Newtonian theory but is disemboweled before imparting his discovery.




12:04am, Jan. 2nd, 463
Benedictine Maximus coins term "orgasm” but in reference to stupidly staring into the sun for extended periods of time and being thus blinded.

12:05am, March 18th, 1949
Dick “Spotty Boy” Hellf invents punk rock somewhere in the eastern Ukraine, and is suppressed by Communist authorities.

12:06am, Sept. 16th, 1903
Expressions “yeah baby” & “you go girl” first uttered at an after-hours New Jersey trapeze party. Both terms will slumber for another 70 odd years before reentering the cultural vernacular.

12:08am, Oct. 27th, 1928
Dorothy Parker sits across from Salvador Dali on the NYC A train.
12:11 am, March 4th, 1600
The first slumber party to be recorded in Western history occurs in the English Elizabethan court, Sir Oliver Trollope presiding as Royal Chaperone. Incidentally, this occasion also marks the first documented usage of itching powder.
12:13 am, Oct. 10th, 1989
Mark E. Smith almost cries.
12:17 am, Oct. 29th, 1972
Someone's mom climaxes.
12:20 am, May 1st, 1633
“The Dance of the Ill-fitting Shoe” becomes a minor hit in Westphalia.


Poorly Written Hardware Novel (a genre spoof)

-          a killer with unsavory instincts
-          a top-down trail of corruption stemming from the most powerful government official to the lowliest junky
-          an ambassador with the fate of the middle east in his Crisco-coated hands
-          a hero who wouldn't call it quits
-          twelve types of tear gas and their most salient effects
-          in between the almost and the not quite, there lies the what if: an incontinent killer, a flatulent diplomat
-          Filmed sometime in the late-1970s
-          Goodlove played by Stacey Reach
-          Bone Bubble by Antonio Fargas
-          Gov't. Weapons Expert by Deforst Kelley
-          Tito by Al Pacino
-          Ambassador by Henry Kissinger
-          Babs (in recollection) by Ruth Buzzi
Excerpts from Goodlove: Chronicles of an Action Man series
·         Bone Bubble was jonesing. Fookee-Cretin & his crew had not yet come through, and he needed his fix.
·         Goodlove clenched his teeth as the Aerospace Hawk multipurpose transonic ground attack aircraft (max. speed: 400 mph; armament: .50 cal. repeater cannons, stinger multipurpose air-to-air/air-to-ground missile, flechette anti-personnel bomblets) roared from atop the vastness of the USS Within.
·         “Disparaging comments in vector eleven” muttered the comptroller. “Release the dogs.”
·         Oblivious to Tito's stealthy footsteps in the hall, the ambassador sat upon the toilet, emitting a series of dry, parched squeaks. Eyelids heavy from the brandy and his thoughts upon his intolerable flatulence, he sat in a stupor. Foolishly, he'd dismissed his guard, and had left the feeble .22 snubnose in the bureau.
·         Placing Bone Bubble's jaw in the vice, Goodlove brought the sledgehammer crashing down with all the fury that his protein-rich diet allowed. Without a jaw, the perp might never yield the needed information, but after the incident with Babs on the trestle, this bone shattering transgression was worth it.
·         Goodlove had become acquainted with Tito's unsavory tendencies while still a cadet cradling his first M-16.
·         Investigating under the bedcovers, Goodlove found Lacey moist and pubic to the touch.
·         Goodlove hurriedly gunned the Camaro into commission. Against a kinky killer, time was of the essence.
·         Goodlove watched helplessly from his binocs as the Exocet surface intercept missile (armament: 3 tons equivalent TNT), now sent hopelessly off course from Tito's jammer, slammed directly into the front entrance of the posh private school. The ensuing blast rocked seven city blocks and rained down a charred assortment of limbs, schoolbooks, Gameboys, bricks, and cleaning supplies.
·         Roasting the squirrel over an open spit, Goodlove set to work cleaning the Heckler & Koch's precision firing mechanism.|
·         The 24-foot great white jetted upwards, speedily approaching it its prey. Terrified, Goodlove fumbled with his diving apparatus. His mind racing, adrenaline fueled instincts took over. Relying on muscle memory alone, he blindly sent a panicked series of volleys from his Aqua Deep Depth repeater spear gun streaming down into the gaping maw hurdling his way. Indeed, moments before, the huge fish's mouth had yawned lazily open, deadly and methodical, signaling its commitment to the kill. Multiple rows of six-inch razor sharp teeth were now mere yards below Goodlove’s kicking legs. Right then, four explosive-tipped spears from the repeater streamed directly into the blackness of beast’s gaping maw, exploding the full force of their micro-nitro-canisters within its stomach lining. The great white exploded from within. Nine ragged chunks of grey red matter split apart, enveloping Goodlove in fins, entrails, cartilage, golden retriever, and car parts.
·         Goodlove ordered a cheeseburger. Biting furiously into the poorly cooked meat, his mind was drawn back, as it had been so many times before, to the senseless death of Babs by unexplainable sigsbee. There had to be more to it than that…it made no sense, he agonized.
·         Working with cruel effeciency, Goodlove jammed another 12-round clip into the modified Berretta.
·         Working swiftly, Goodlove pried the poisoned sucrette from child's frothing mouth; but the paralysis had been instantaneous.
·         Tentatively sampling a bit of what he silently called his wife's special “soup what couldn't make up its mind,” the Ambassador carelessly let slip the electro-detector from his shoulder pad.
·         Finally alone in the darkened torpedo tube, Goodlove unzipped his trousers. Global safety would just have to wait.
·         Still smarting from the snide intellectual retort, Goodlove felled the smug tweed professor with a well-placed nitrus dart. (From Seminar of Peril)
·         His probing question on Lacante's contribution to feminist discourse unheeded, Goodlove's fingers clenched the grip of the Smithson rapid-fire repeater (10 shot clip, hollow-point rounds). "Easy boy" he reminded himself, relaxing his fingers from the smooth grip. After all, it was an intro lecture course.
·         Planting a solid kick squarely to the groin of the stoic lummox, Goodlove was assailed by the midget's cackling cries of glee. "He's castrated! He's castrated!"
·         Planted under the harsh glare of the police interrogation bulb, old man Hackensack shifted uncomfortably in his chair.
·         Pivoting on his left leg, old man Hackensack raised the broom in an effort to ward off the oncoming attacker.
·         The Ambassador never even heard his rescuer approach, and barely had time to perceive the wet tear of his attacker's throat as it was slit from ear to ear by Goodlove's Eagle Talon Jungle Blade.
·         Wheeling around, Goodlove thrust the steaming hot chocolate canister in the impatient bishop's stubby fingers.
·         Goodlove's jaw connected solidly with the corner of the old lady's shopping cart. Arms akimbo and legs askance, he spat bits of broken teeth and rose hodologically from the white tile floor. Once again, Tito swung at him with the truncheon, bringing down again and again, a song of crimson pain.
·         Only Goodlove's timely recollection of Molly's soliloquy from Joyce's Ulysses prevented the bingo hall from being blown to bits.
·         Turning to page seven of Ladies Home Journal, Tito began softly touching himself.
·         A stream of bilingual obscenities burst forth from the ambassador's blustering lips as The Playboy Channel was suddenly interrupted by a stream of static snow. Rudely wiping the Crisco onto the sofa, he gathered up his trousers and hobbled awkwardly forward.
·         28 Within the Ajax building, the PanRamAjay ethnic percussion clinic had degenerated into a panicked shambles, Tito's initial verbal abuse now augmented by a steady stream of automatic weapons fire. Ponytailed men from both coasts were ripped in two by the 9mm reign of hot death. Post mortems would reveal that the premiere San Franciscan Steel Drum Troupe had perished under the withering series of bursts. Fanny pack sales were down that year.

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