Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Don't


Dear Hipsters,

Authenticity is overrated. You are not fascinating. And if you have made the decision to get married, you need to acknowledge that you are doing one of the most boring things that humankind has ever invented. Sure, it provides security, validation, and status. But it does not make you unique. It makes you exactly the same as 111 million other households in the United States (about 49% as of 2005).

There is nothing inherently wrong with conformity, hipster. It is wrong, however, to assume that the choices you make about your wedding ceremony and reception will somehow obscure your decision to join the herd. No amount of micro-brew, handmade corsages bought from Etsy, or paper lanterns that match the groom's socks will make up for it. You had just as well send the jadite servingware back. That band you're hiring that plays Little River Band covers? I will not be able to stifle my laughter as you attempt sincerity during your first dance to "Reminiscing". Just a warning.

My advice to you is to give up. Hoist that white flag in your surrender to societal norms. Solute the American flag the next time you pass it by. You are doing your part to make our country strong economically. That's awesome, right? Go ahead and get the Yuengling. It's good and much less expensive. Trade in your mango kiwi fruit wedding tart for some yummy white tiered thing that even your great Aunt Tilda can eat without breaking out in hives. And that wedding song? Would it hurt you to dance to something to which you actually like? That you will make you smile in your heart for the years to come?

Yours truly,
I Zimbra

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