Thursday, March 6, 2008

when they invented pinball machine soundeffects, it seems they had in mind baroque trills as heard on organ and harpichord. It seems such an obvious reference.

dj's in love: baby, you best believe my heart is one supafly mo'fo' signal processor!

candidate #1: references are just simply too overwhelming, exclude

from consideration, candidate #2: survellance cameras clearly show her failing to look

before she leaps, disqualified.

candidate #3: smiled too much, obviously confused, probation, candidate #4: resume unflinchingly bereft of doublespeak, no chance, candidate #5: too many hobbies, no room for rennaisance men, makes

other employees nervous, taunt with mixed messages, candidate #6: nauseatingly articulate, repell at all costs, candidate #7: has repeatedly visited Belgium buts fails to broach the

topic in interviews, provisional 2nd interview, candidate #8: too sensitive, disqualify and silently ridicule, candidate #9: obviously brilliant, yet hasn't undergone required 37

years of of specialized grooming, worth thus severly

negated, throw them the starvation curveball.

Q: where were you on July 20, 1969?

A: in my mother's womb.

Q: so I guess you didn't see the tough-guy movie then?

A: 'fraid not.

film criteria: adult themes, extreme violence, drug use, profanity, sexual situations, nudity, death and grieving issues, sexual suggestion & humor, cruelty to pets, butt-touching

the rent has been paid

the cat has been spayed

hot peppers & tomatoes

repose in the shade

is it any wonder I seem so staid?

upon enountering the Jewish bookclub:

"A Jew's Guide to the Internet"

"The Jewish Quick-Fix-It Guide to Kosher Home Repairs"

"Jewish Footwear: Fall '98"

"Jews in the Japanese Mind"

"Mushoogana! 1001 Jewish Dance Steps"

"Schlomo's Naughty Stories"

"An Animal Kingdom of Jewish Origami"

"Divorce: Jewish Style"

"101 Withering Jewish Putdowns"

"Why me, G*d?"

"After-School-Sports Done the Jewish Way"

"Who was this Jesus Fellow, Anyhow?"

"Jewish Men- Jewish Women: Oiveh!"

"100 Nutshells: The Best of Jewish Erotica"

"Careful! Jews in New Delhi"

"To Be a Jewish Woman"

"Jewish Lingerie: Manna from Heaven"

"40 Things You Can Do to Annoy a Jew"

"The Art of the Jewish Fistfight"

"Celebrating Bertie's Jew Moon"

"Shimon 'Stetson' Brand: Two-Fisted Rabbi on the Run"

"Jewish Narcolepsy-A Serious Problem,More Serious Than We Imagined"

"Studies in Jewish Dream Interpretation"

"The Ear I Bat Mitzvah Book of Snappy Wittiscisms"

"Sports Illustrated Anthology of Great Jewish NFL Plays"

"Yeshivish & the Underworld: A Mikey Hammer Mystery"

"The Illustrated Encyclopedia of Talmudic Comebacks"

"Warhol's Jewishness Explained Via Silkscreen"

"'So Jew Me' and Other Offensive Wordplays"

"Frumspeak: A Guide to Discreetely Removing Corns, Boils, & Warts"

"Kifilta Mockingbird"

"Jewin' at the Savoy"

"The Jewish Encyclopedia of Moral, Ethical, and Fashion Sense"

"Deadline: Maimonides"

"Kol Nidrei on Three Dollars a Day"

"In My Fetish I See God: The Jewish Ritual Explained"

"Jews We Love To Hate"

"Great Jewish Train Robberies"

"'Jew Gotta Be Kiddin': The Jackie Mason Story"

"Jews in Zero G"

"Last Minute Gift Ideas for that Hard-To-Shop-For Judaic Militant"

"Kibbutz V Bitz"

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