Thursday, March 6, 2008

Toby Jim

In a way, 'Toby Jim' seems to me to be the purest name ever invented. Really, it's undilluted southerness...pure as a freckled boy in overalls running beside a crick with his golden lab.

'Toby Jim', birch rod in one hand, bucket fulla nightcrawlers in the other. 'Toby Jim' skinning his knee on the gravel after falling from his dirt bike. 'Toby Jim' lighting a firecracker under the bedroom window of Mabel, his 4th grade sweetheart.

'Toby Jim', triumphant, prince amongst kudzu and pine. "Toby Jim!' the robins and cicadas cry in grateful reverence. 'Toby Jim' bolting out the door without his mittens. 'Toby Jim' trading his pop tarts for a twinkle in the lunchroom. 'Toby Jim' twisting a bully's arm on the blacktop. 'Toby Jim' skipping a rock nine times across the pond.

'Toby Jim' in Sunday best, praying to God not to send him to hell for spying up Miss Whitaker's dress.

'Toby Jim' getting his eagle scout badge. 'Toby Jim' admiring his big brother's red convertible. 'Toby Jim' losing a tooth in a piece of strawberry Hubba Bubba.

'Toby Jim' whistling 'let's go down ta th' craw'dad hole, grabya some bait, I'll get a pole' on the way home from school.

'Toby Jim' learning the chords to 'Frog Went a Courtin' on his dad's Stella. 'Toby Jim' stealing his first kiss behind the woodshed. 'Toby Jim' feeling sick from eating too much cornbread. 'Toby Jim' begging his mom to order away for that red Radio Flyer. 'Toby Jim' whittling himself a walking stick.

Ice Cream Sundae variations-Beef Steak Mondae Onion Ring Tuesdae Fat BackWednesdae French Fry Thursdae Chocolate Shake Fridae Fish Filet Saturdae (makes you wish there were more days in the week, doesn't it?)

speaking with your sister that imaginary language of clocks and stars

the stars breathe in, the clocks breathe out

lying in afield on the back

big sky above you

your schemes and dreams beside you

mittened hands and giggling whispers

Yawns! You gave me the yawns!!

...superfriends are passed out- there was this kryptonite beer party...Superman drank to within an inch of his life, & Aquaman could not hold his stout...

Bob Dobbs'Odd Jobs'

I'm sorry, but Fiona Apple leaves her songwriting peers, both female and male, in that fat freaky dust. What I'm trying to say is, She Rocks!

"It's All Good" is effectively the 'This Year's Model' of young person catch phrases- lassez faire, anyone?

What's the correlation between shoddy intellectual skills and blind religious faith?

Disney's new icescapade reenactment of the bubonic plague, set in Europe circa 1500, is called "Pestilence on Ice"

It's 1975, and the stewardess mantra is this: 'Coffee, tea, or me?' (giggle)

Lend Us a Saying, Guv'ner

What exactly is the process whereby certain foreign sayings make their way into US speech? Who brings them across the great pond? Who transmits this linguistic virus- who is patient numero uno? 'Excusez moi1'for instance- why this phrase, and why not thefrenchfor 'that's my hanky' or 'hit the deck'? Why 'Hasta la vista' and not the Spanish for 'what time is it?"or 'ride that go-cart- immediately!' It makes me curious- is it a random process, or is there some stylistic or grammatical pull? Or, in the dim and distant origins of the respective languages, did they share a common kin, strains of which still inform each culture? Or is goddamn tv to blame? And more importantly, who can we pin the blame on- who in america'll own up to importing 'excusez moi'? And how is it, for instance, that my friend failed in his effort to make the laotianfor 'that's my mountain bike' ('neepa weywey' or something) catch on in backbay Boston circa '89? Was it an issue of timing? Geography? Personality? Perhaps as a nation, America was just not culturally ready for such heady and exotic fare. Who knows answers to such questions?

Object Day

For me, today was 'Object Day'. As in: Shule, today's object day. Shing. The rundown-6pm- nailing in a mirror hanger above my dresser, gave it a bum whack so both screw and plastic fell behind the crack.

Tried moving dresser, way too heavy. Also knocked over framed photo atop it. Walked to living room closet to get coat hanger to fish for it. Closet door jammed- probably from heat-

pulled up on it, still wouldn't budge. Got hanger from another closet. Walked back into my room. Leaned closet forwards, propped on chairback, so I could reach w/hanger. This afternoon, I'd placed a plastic container of small nail shaping tools, guitar strings, pencils, etc. in the top shelf. I've never done this. They tumble from closet, spilling all over floor. Kneeling atop closet, I resume hammering. Screwdriver falls, get off to pick it up. Doing so, I step on end of hanger, the end of it jabbing my sock clad foot.

6:30- Putting on new guitar strings. Pack is missing a first string. Rehearsal in 30 minutes. Shule. Get to rehearsal. Strings too out of tune to play anywhere near in tune. Rehearsal basically blows.

8- Unable to renew library book, having taken wallet out of jacket pocket earlier when I got


8:30- Pulled over by cop for running stop sign. He asks for ID, which is in my wallet. Then,

for registration, which should be in a folder, but all I come up with are a few expired official

type documents from out of state. Shing. Miraculously, he lets me go.

9- Home, I turn on the computer, which for some reason will not read the files on my disk. And the printer is broken. Objects seem there only to thwart.

Blues Vs. Reds

It's a weird facet of human nature, the fact that we define ourselves in part by defining who we are against- in terms of both values and actual people. It seems that our identity relies on the existence of an anti, and that sometimes we might find ourselves drawn from our reactions. A Palestinian defines themselfin part by being opposed to an Israeli. A Carolina fan against a Duke fan. A Democrat against a Republican. A Punk against a Metalhead. A Black against a White. Why must our identity rely on what it is we oppose? Teens start to define their identity by being against their parents, pegging themselves into categorical clicks in school (jock, nerd, theatre type). Adults use ideology and economic categorizing in much the same way those teens use fashion. In so doing, maybe we undermine ourselves, for by drawing up our definition, we so often firmly wedge ourselves into too simplistic a hole. As in 'I am this, so I can't be that'. But if we embrace 'this' too closely, we might find that it begins to define us, rather than our simply accepting it as one of the several important facets of who we are. Take the classical musician- say a young fellow of 20 odd years. He loves rock and roll, but feels that his identity is now one of classical music; therefore, he is unable to accept the image of himself as still playing rock and roll. It's a polarizing process, the use of one's personality as a straightjacket. Because of course the human being is far more complex- heart, mind, soul, growth, change, evolution (who among us wishes to remain still?)- and this allying oneself with a certain categorical identity, which leads to the creation of its anti, and the subsequent reaction thereto, has got to be limiting. As children, we are taught that the square peg doesn 'tfit into the round hole. How many of us ever renegotiate the dangers of this formative object lesson?

The Bell Curve of Being Busted

Funny, how the significance of 'being busted' mirrors the cyclical journey of our lives.

We start nearly powerless, gradually gain in strength, reach a crescendo, then decline back

down into powerless. This process is reflected in the sort of things one gets busted for:

1. young kid- learn to walk/eat a cookie before dinner

go to school by oneself/spend milk money on a comic gain awareness of outside world/stay up past bedtime

2. older kid- recogition of power/steal a candybar

tentative steps toward independence/discover dad's Playboys

beginnings of self consciousness/tell lies

emergence of interests/lose SEGA station when parents see report card

3. teenager- bodies rapidly growing in strength/crash dad's car (before getting license)
satiating of one's desires/get pregnant
increasing capability of mental independence/mom uncovers your stash

4. young adult-

5. adult-

6. middle age-

newfound powers of manipulation/skip school altogether emerging business acumen/busted for selling pot off to college w/bachinallian aplomb/arrested for drinking joy of independence/run up obscene tabs on parent's credit card perks of adulthood w/out its full responsibilites/date rape newfound comraderie/illegal & dangerous hazing rituals newfound survival skills/armed robbery creation of own domesitic household/spousal abuse bussiness savvy/corporate theft financial independence/being fired creation of family/divorce w/ custody battle increasing confidence/harassment charges accumulation of material goods/bankrupcy ascent in business world/victim of downsizing well earned respect/IRS audit

celebrity/shocking 'he beat us' child expose f
creative interests/blackmailed w/ incriminating photos
loved/arrested for witholding child payements

7. old age- increasing fragility/drooling in public
mental confusion/placed in a home
dependence/insolvent for forgetting to pay bills

8. senility- infirm/wetting oneself

uninhibited/pinching nurses

selfish/stealing applesauce from someone's plate

serene/considered daft

stubborn/refusal to drink your warm milk

"Candy-Ass Harassment Charges"

Glory! Traded in my cell phone for two tin cans and some string.

sicko math- 1. Tina can make $15 giving head and $40 going all the way.

Her risk of viral infection is 37% greater with the 2nd option.

The cost of medication is $2700 per month.

In an average day, Tina has 10 clients.

To maximize her profits, which option should Tina choose?

2. Fred plans to rob a liqour store. He has two choices-cither he can use his .38 special or the .9mm Beretta. His .38 has only 6 shots, but uses hollow tipped shells, which have a 68% fatality rate.

On the other hand, his .9mm Beretta holds 16 shots, but only has a 52% fatality rate, as well as a 7% chance of jamming up. There are two employees at the store, and Fred guesses there is a 33% chance they are armed.

In the event of a shootout, which weapon should he choose? (note- he cannot choose both, since he must carry the cash in one hand. Nor does he have time to reload. Also, he must go it alone, as his usual partner was shot to death last month.)

Sane Man-Crazy Man

sane man- (in bed) Time to go to sleep.

crazy man- (patting sheets) You guys are the sandwich bread, and I'm the lunchmeat.

Together we 're the dream team!

sane man- Careful with your punctuation.

crazy man- That's no comma, that's a period...with a vengance!

sane man- Watch your step.

crazy man- Quick! Turn on that stink footed X-ray I know so well!

sane man- What a colorful bird.

crazy man- Celebrity bird! Celebrity Bird! Can I have your autograph?


sane man- Where 'd I put those keys?

crazy man-1 am my own search engine...and a stinky one at that!

sane man- Mom?

crazy man- Hey womb-tender, where you at?

sane man- You look vaguely familiar.

crazy man- Hey, wait a second...I've seen those thighs before!

sane man- I..I...some...someti...imes...stut...errr.

crazy man- L..lots...ahuv..bump...s'on b-b-brain 's m-m-maneee...p-p-pebb...bles''...thisp-path

sane man- git outta town!

crazy man- Mighten I recommend a quaint bedsit nary a hair's breadth past

yon townish townal boundary?

sane men- We like Ike!

crazy men- Spectro-Temporal Waves of a pleasing sort emanate from the

brow of this feller we deem 'leader'.

sane man-What's for dinner?

crazy man- My stomach has a question, and your fixins' has the answer!

sane man- "I don't think we ever really understood what letters meant to us until they were


crazy man- What is communication, if not electronic?

sane man- Hi, I'm not home right now; please leave a message, crazy man- (records his message in sign language)

sane man- Could you repeat that?

crazy man- Remember the good old days of the skipping record? For Godsakes, show me you

remember! (crazy man is now frantic, clutching at lapels)

sane man- Jesus is the reason for the season crazy man- egg nog reminds me of crucifixtions

sane man- grrl, I wanna sex u up!

crazy man- The rule of this game is: I shimmy, You shake.

sane man- Here kitty kitty!

crazy man- (begins licking himself all over, hoping he resembles a cat)

sane man- It's late.

crazy man- The evening is positvely Jurassic. f

sane man- Hey hey! Ho ho! Racism has go to go!

crazy man- But when he leaves, where will his travels take him? And who might he sup with?

sane man- She blows my mind.

crazy man- Her eyes...they are like two gusts of spring wind up into the nether regions of my crotchless panties.

sane man- Give me a call.

crazy man- Bend the tops of trees with your cries of 'brethren! brethren!'; surely I will hear.

sane man- Dude! Yer awesome!

crazy man- Compatriot, you are cut from the finest man cloth, and I will wear thee with

honor upon thine own travels, (sometimes the crazy man is a living anachronism)

No comments: