Thursday, March 6, 2008

Glory!

(From an idea by David Rees)

Glory! Halved an apple just to watch it brown.

Glory! Recorded the first rock opera in braille.

Glory! Campaigned tirelessly for the creation of a Lil' Debbie Snack Cake National Monument.

Glory! Launched an all out smear campaign against Lorna Doone, Lil' Debbie's arch enemy.

Glory! Grew impatient with hairweaving, resorted to super glue and staples instead.

Glory! Deep-sixed my chances on the campaign trail by french-kissing the babies and high-fiving

the moms

Glory! Told my 6th grade teacher she kinda had that 'fuck me' look. Glory! Spent 13 weeks combing a lexicon for misspellings. Glory! Lectured my child's cubscout den on the joys oftantric sex. Glory! Invented motorcycles which ran on fear. Glory! Instigated the first all nude PTA meeting. Glory! Avoided comic books like the plague. Glory! Beat a sofa within an inch of its life.

Glory! Moved to Akron to better understand Haitian Voodoo Rituals. Glory! Became king of the mountain, only to realize I now stood atop a hill of my own spit. Glory! Rewrote the book on how to write the book. Glory! Heralded in the age of the 'Beer Bong Philosopher'.

Glory! Confused sight and smell, attempting to smell my way down a darkened path. Glory! Investigated the origins of the world's first joke.

Glory! Won a maiden's heart with an aggressively anti-Semitic billboard campaign. Glory! Married at Hooters, honeymooned at Mall of America, then divorced at Wendy 's. Glory! Lambasted my child for not knowing names and dates of the kings & queens of England. Glory! Created a Nickelodeon Cartoon series for Max Ernst's bird friend Lop-Lop. Glory! Saved my marriage with newfound sandwich making skills. Glory! Stunned myself by dreaming in cursive. Glory! Broke my ankle falling in love. Glory! Toned my flabby midriff by writing manifestos. Glory! Nailed pennies to a mechanical pauper. Glory! Navigated the labryinthian process of Peter's pretzel logic. Glory! Bottled & Sold 'Eau d' Armpit', a bold new scent in men's cologne. Glory! Wondered & Wept why the above was a flop. Glory! Dropped anchor, Set sail, Abandoned ship- all from my easy chair. Glory! Fed the zoo lions LSD. Glory! Failed at a New Jersey comedy club. Glory! Pogoed my way to Georgia.

Glory! Furthered my entertainment career with silicon earlobe implants. Glory! Spotted the soul of my dead lover in a cat's green eyes.

Glory! Grilled steak on the engine of my car.

Glory! Became snowed in with a hermaphrodite.

Glory! Earned over six figures for writing Scottish short stones.


Sane Man-Crazy Man

(from an idea by David Rees)

Sane Man- "Hey, that's my chair you 're sitting in. " Crazy Man- "Whoops, there goes Atlantis!"

Sane Man- "Can you spare some change? "

Crazy Man- "Could you morally unload some of those jangly, gravity-prone pocket particles on me?"

Sane Man- "Willyou marry me?"

Crazy Man- "Igot it! You can be like my extra book at bedtime!"

Sane Man- "Who ordered a pizza?"

Crazy Man- "Who summons via commerce the soul of Verona? "

Sane Man- "Nice job on that report, Pete. "

Crazy Man- "Man, go easy.. .I'm still reeling from the colors. "

Sane Man- "Shit! My flight!"

Crazy Man- "Help me, I'm a little nest egg. "

Sane Man- "Careful with that drink tray. "

Crazy Man- "Whoa! Do you see anyone 'round here named Noah!?!"

Sane Man- "Check out that sunset. "

Crazy Man- "Ouch- an angry red pimple slides down the face of Mr. Teenage God"

Sane Man- "I never stole your wallet!"

Crazy Man- "I can't believe that calfskin, the dead kind no less, should seek solace in the backsheath of foreign soil. "

*

Sane Man- "That's just the way it goes. "

Crazy Man- "Have you ever heard a rock whistle? I didn 't think so. "

Sane Man- "Can you guys turn the music down? "

Crazy Man- "A gremlin stole my eardrums! Help me get them back. "

Sane Man- "This house needs repair work. "

Crazy Man- "Hmm, I smell teardrops, (pats wall) Have you been crying? "

Sane Man- "Get off my back, asshole!" Crazy Man- "If this is your race, am I the rat? "

Sane Man- "Long time no see "

Crazy Man- "So many clocks and watches now that fall between us. "


Sane Man- "Man, it sure is hot in here. "

Crazy Man- "Two small swamps have begun making their homes along both sides of me. Am I cajun? "

Sane Man- "I can't make this month's rent. "

Crazy Man- "Oh baby, got th' 'Existence Tax Blues'. "

Sane Man- "Whatever." Crazy Man- "Whyever."

Sane Man- "Go to hell. "

Crazy Man- "An all day backpacking excursion to Lucifer's Playstation will surely mark you for the worse! "

Sane Man- "What's on TV?"

Crazy Man- "Who resumes the subtle dialogue of shadows upon the wall? And How? And Why?"

Sane Man- "Sorry, I'm runnin' a little late. "

Crazy Man- "I look down from above the height of my many moons at your little tiny second hands."

Sane Man- "Oh look, all produce is 15% off. "

Crazy Man- "Hey Supermarket Place Kicker, kick me on up some of those crafty HI' decimal point swindle dots!"

Sane Man- "That's cool"

Crazy Man- "Absolutely Ice-Box " (thanks Alexi Sayle)

Sane Man- "zzzz..."

Crazy Man- "Okay dreams, I'm sittin' here waitin 'forya. Fill me up! C'mon, hurry!"

4

Sane Man- "Have you lost weight? " Crazy Man- "Are you leaking? "

Sane Man- "I have a terrible headache. "

Crazy Man- "Who -will win the reenacted skirmish now taking place inside my head- the British

or the French? "

(Though in pain, the crazy man eagerly awaits the results. It is in this way that he thinks his headaches have to power to alter the outcome of historical events.)

Sane Man- "You look beautiful in that red dress. "

Crazy Man- "It's not everyday that a jiggling question mark of color electrocutes me in this 'smile-on-the-face' way. Congratulations!"

Sane Man- "I miss my hometown. "

Crazy Man- "But which ward? Which blanket? Which nurse? "

No comments: