Thursday, March 6, 2008

Childhood Memory

A mindj**k of an ending is to be found on "The Flintstones" cartoon, in which, during the end credit sequence, Fred Flinstone is locked out of his house by the family cat. So there he is, banging away at the door in the moonlight while the end titles appear and the music gleefully approaches its conclusion. This stark contrast upset me- how can Fred, every epidsode, be stuck in the same situation, and with no apparent indication of ever being rescued? It's Hanna-Barbera's take on the Greek myth of Sisyphus. George Jetson suffered much the same fate week after week, and found in his situation on the treadmill (dual analogy here- Sissyphus & Everyman's rat race) a more overt reference to aforementioned myth. But for whatever reason, his plight didn't disturb me near as much as Fred's, maybe because the Caveman's cries carried about them a blustering, somewhat more aggressive frustration than that of Jetson, a thinner, more anemic & white-collart salaryman, a high-tech pencil pusher really.

An Effete Critic with a Jaundiced Eye Holds Court

T. Corrgahessean Boyle- a bad writer with an even worse haircut

Carrie Fisher- sticke to firing blasters and insulting wookies

Tama Janowitz- marry Henry Rollins and together you'll comprise the

'small talent-big bankbook' couple extradordinaire

the current glut of Warholian darlings all cashing in- no, you misheard

the man,; it was '15 minutes' dears, you used yours up many years ago

Henry Miller- must we always wade through your sewage to uncover

the odd diamond?

Tom Robbins- sometimes even readers get the blues

Frank Norris- the literary equivilant of a visit to the dentist

Jim Carrol- a clear example of drugs failing to fuel any creative process


M. Scott Peck- riding the tail end of our century's 'happy I mystic

capitalism' movement

Ann Rice- the Depeche Mode of the literary sect

Benjamin Hoff- silly man, Winny just wants to be left alone to his

for raging

Henry James- What Maisie Knew and Knew and Knew...The Turn of the

Screw Turning and Turning Forever Turning

Douglass Coupland- 'Newsweek's' sanctioned voice of youthful dissent

Martha Stewart- visibly tainted by the realization that Julia Child could

whup her ass

Will Self- It's a shame Mr. Self doesn't keep his feeble writing to him


Novemeber th' motherfuckin 12th

we splatted out that motherfuckin' honkey's brains right out on th' motherfuckin' pavement

we took her outside

and killed the black bitch

but first we fucked her

convicted killer- "I'm not sorry for all the mayhem I've caused, I only wish I'd been better dressed"

offing president Reagan = winning Ms. Foster's heart- gee, what a sterling and infallible process of logic you have going there Mr. Hinckley. Truly, the logicians of the bunch salute you!

falling down tumbling they are all the sacrosanct pillars of western


an acropolis pledged to violence and the technicolor thrill of exploding


hi. i'm a complete freakazoid. can i have a gun? thanks, oh, and some rhinosceraus killing cop vest bullets to go with it please, bye bye.

-ohmigod! an UZH! Dad, it's just what I've always wanted! and three extra clips! This is my favorite birthday ever! Wait'11 I tell Cheryl, omigod, she'll freak!

-well, your mother and I don't want you getting mixed up with those porch monkeys, drug addicts, and Hispanic types, so we thought a fully automatic firearm on your 14th birthday would send the appropriate message.

-Dad, yer th' greatest! Kin' I go outside and target shoot?

-Well, that'd be great. Hold on, there's an instruction manual
around here somewhere. And Suzi...mind the Johnson's t-

-No duh dad. I'mean, what do you think I am, like dumb or something?

-Heh, heh. Go on kiddo, shoot yourself up a storm.

okay, let's get our priorities in order here.

wounded on the top, dead ones on the bottom, got that?

and try not to jostle the head wounds.

ok? lock and load!

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