Thursday, March 6, 2008

Bjorn's Norwegian Bargain Barn

the tv offers up its proud parade of crap

i sit thinking of nothing in particular

scraping the tops of blackheads off my nose

eating last night's pizza from the box

hoping they show naked women or at least stuff blowing up

Can you tell me where lie shrewd investment opportunities for stink

footed people, of which I am one?

Dak Sanders, rogue investment anaylst, offering time tested investment

advice from beyond the grave

he- if you really loved me, you'd give me a blow job. she-!!??!!

Prayer- Lord, grant me the courage and wisdom not to be such a

snivelling, two-faced little shit. Amen

Unfortunately, "Linger" by the Cranberries seems intent on doing just


Words rarely overheard on the Oberlin College Campus

guy #1- hey, getta lookit the 'gams on that one!

guy #2- whoaboy, them's hot tamales!

Infantile 900-phone lines- 'hot babes in diapers await your call!

steaming full loads now standing by. call 1-900-GOOO'. this could serve

the needs of mothers with grown kids who crave regression back to the

days where said kids were gooey faced, crap spewing crawl dolls.

A message to the boys and girls clamoring onto the

rockabilly-boogiewoogie-swing bandwagon: okay, so you were in

a roots rock band in '89, a punk band in '92, and a ska band in '95. now

in '97 you play faux-hillbilly I cotton club swing. So, when this happy

little trend exhausts itself in say, a year or two,, what'll be next? Celtic

music? 'Free' jazz? Jug band music? As it now stands, you offer up

superficial sincerity, but only so long as you're sure the herd still

congregates. But it's fun to watch the downtown intellegensia/art types

play at reinventing themselves every other year- this year it's the

tarantinoian whitetrash cocktail varmits. Does that mean wife beating's

cool again? 'Hey, maybe grandad's cigarchomping patriarchy had the

right idea after all!' the flighty identity asks itself. Resplendant in thier

red gas station shirts and southern pompadours, but how many can

actually fix a car? Oh how happy and gay to play roles all day! Life

informed by movies- maximum speed! Whatsmore, to hear some of

them speak, you'd think they were raised since birth on a steady diet of

Buck Owens, Link Wray, Maddox Brothers & Rose, Louvin' Brothers,

Patsy Cline, Ima Sumac, Henry Mancini, etc., rather than exhausting last

month's credit line on CD reissues. It's as if Mr. Tarantino gave scensters

a green light screaming 'go forth young hipster, adopt that Southern

Orleans trash, it's your Manifest Destiny-at least for the next ISmonths.

In a world without Zippo, who supplies the flame?

You don't have to be brain dead to enjoy popular television, but it

certainly helps

You can usually tell a dumb person by the look on their face, the jaw is

a good place to start. Semi-slack, eyes lusterless, a set of truncated or

muted intellectual and emotional responses, mouth closed during

conversations, propensity to play the role of peanut gallery when group

dynamics invite such behaviour, reliance upon platitudes, profound

distrust or incomprehension of behaviour which lies beyond the

confines of societal boxes

Mockers. Knockers. Shockers, dockers. A Gay Guy's Got The Runs.

Whatever became of those girls from high school with the awkwardly

overdeveloped breasts? Those overeager mammaries bursting forth,

compounding the awkwardness of already ungainly years.

Or the token gay guy with the eurohair who wouldn't eat grapes

because of picker's rights? A cappucino connoisseur before his time.

Or those swaggering footballers who drove their cherry red Camaro

chariots through one bedroom apartments?

Or aggravatingly smug smartalecks who would later lose fingers to farm


Or the asian stutterer trampled during 'free period'?

Or the future lesbian named 'Rdper'?

Or those quiet girls who married early?

Or the vivacious one who lived with sisters and climbed the Himalyas?

Or the fey young actor we all wanted to kick?

Or the fellow named Burt who wore blue shirts and the school's worst


Or the pretty korean girl with thin bones, a wisp of a smile, and an

unhappy attachment to whiskey sours?

Or those girls one heard about who liked to get naked?

Wroughtlron Lil always has time to appreciate a good knock down-drag out when she sees one

Of the meek man we say- he lives his life as if it were within parenthesis

Shot of tequila for breakfast, six pack of corona for lunch, and some slow sippin' whiskey for dinner

/ dedicate all this stuff to those who were reading instead of getting laid

Two Sexual Slams-

'Man, you ain't had pussy since pussy had you'

You ain't nuthin' but a two pump chump'

funny, I'll call her when I'm hepped up on Tequilla, but not otherwise if you name your son Buckminster, you'd better make damn sure he turns out to be a genius

'Inherit the Wind'...frraaap!...ahh, I think I just did.

We done sent Aunt Moll offta' th' Ozark Mountain Family Fat Farm; hopefully they gonna cure her of her biscuit addiktion.

Dirgible Lament-

'Old Man Bitter...was a friend of mine,

he drank his scotch...down by the sea.

Old Man Bitter...was a friend of mine,

had a small dog he kick named Tennessee.'

Real life accidents aren't like on tv...

killer abs, murderous thighs, menacing bis, ruthless buttocks, psychotic


sigh, the carrot suit is indeed kickin' my ass

Richard Baseheart's 'Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea' quiz-

A mad scientist stows away aboard your state of the art high tech nuclear sub. Do you:

a) knock him unconscious with a monkeywrench?

b) eject him from your ship via torpedo tube?

c) karate chop him scant seconds before he can damage the reactor?

d) remain oblivious as he wreaks havoc within the bowels of your ship?

e) ignore him to direct your immediate attention to the gigantic atomized squid rapidly approaching your craft?

heads up, here comes a member of the parabolic dislocation squad

watch me as I fall from insecty grace back into froggy inconvenience

who's watching now? watch out!

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