Thursday, March 6, 2008

1) despite the human gift of animation,some people are indeed duller than stationary objects

2) we're all potential stars of Reader's Digest's "Drama in Real Life"

3) life in leisureville- don't talk to me about work, don't even think

about it!

4) gary the geezer & florence the fogey cordially invite all interested seniors to attend what promises to be the first in a series of afternoon tea parties and rose petal jelly tasting societies

5) frank's favorite time of day salutation #3: 'c'mon in boys, I'm just gettin' all lathered up here. Hey, try some of this, it's peach scented.'

6) jed clampit- our fashion sage

7) our favorite street sign: 'Fresh Oil' (presented not as a yellow triangular warning sign, but as a new type, say the blue oval of 'beneficial resource')

8) sayings, short pithy sayings

9) papaya delivery squad, trapped behind enemy lines, how will the lone fruit survive?

10) huffum. on a lark, I succumbed to that rare tropical disease

11) 'rat-tat-tat' goes the typer

12) particle man, particle man; does whatever a particle can

13) it's time we stopped making excuses for the swiss

14) the way a bottle of tabasco sauce on a t-shirt usually connotes wry postmodern appropriation of random cultural icon, worn especially to impress those 'in the know'

15) the way a fat 3rd grade teacher laughs like a panting puppy

16) the way one can't tell whether one dreamnt about a prospective girlfriend loudly farting or whether it indeed really happened

17) the way the answer to the above can perhaps change things

18) calm down preacher man, god loves it when we have orgasms

19) mama's new tire-iron jambalya ferreted out all manner of secrets from underworld kingpins

20) hey louie, getta look a'that; it's ol' lazarus, back from th'^dead!

21) enrique granados sleeps with fishies

22) we say of the egotistical schizophrenic: he's full of himselves

23) mmm...splash kiff goooood!

24) that one match left in the center of the book looks as if it's giving us the finger

25) seems odd doesn't it that surly Italian eurorail punks jam out on the good vibrations of bob marley whilst menacing their fellow passengers

26) it's not the size of the wound that counts, but how deep it is

27) it's not the depth of the wound that counts, but how rusty the blade

28) it's not the rust of the blade that counts, but how distant the care

29) it's not the distance of care that counts, but how proficient the skill

30) it's not how proficient the skill that counts, but how much pluck you can muster

31) it's how much pluck you muster that counts, but how much mercy the lord sees fit to grant

32) it's not how much mercy the lord grants that counts, but how deserving your karma

33) it's not how deserving your karma that counts, but how much love's in your life

34) it's not how much love that counts, but how stoic your heart

35) it's not how stoic your heart that counts, but how much blood has been spilt

36) it's not how much spilt blood that counts, but how much they retrieve

37) it's not how much they retrieve that counts, but where it all goes

38) it's not where it all goes that count, but how quickly you put it to use

39) might, Mikey Muldhoney's might

40) "Toe-Ring for a Heavyweight"

41) one and one half, lousy to the dime

42) just think, kurt cobain used to leave messages on dave grohl's machine

43) jalopy jumpin' Jesuits

44) morrocan honky tonks- the next best thing to being there

45) a towering inferno of precarious plastic poetry

46) former jockey, now bipedal, bereft and dismayed

47) award winning junior whiz, now bloated and cocaine addled

48) of the small town taxidermist overcome by jealousy, we say only that he was stuffed green with envy

49) "I don't like the way things are going" were the award winning economist's last words

50) un oh, look out everyone; I've got the 'I ate a whole bag of generic corn chip' windies

51) take a look at that photo taken of the new jersey talent scout beside herself with glee

52) t-shirt seen in Sandusky, Ohio- "America: We May Be Lazy and Illiterate, But We Build the Best Damn Bomb Around"

53) Beat 'em senseless with a tire iron and take your pleasure freely

54) if in a ping-pong game pitting a mathematical genius specializing in probabilities against an android with 1,117 pre-programmed tricky shots, who do you think would have the upperhand?

55) matriarchs, patriarchs, and a shady guy named Shecky

56) god, it was awful; last night I dreamt I was sentenced to 8 months in jail for running a red light

57) priestly creek- a burgeoning neighborhood development bursting with good intentions

58) toe-jam intrigue

59) Psshaw! You're about as Armenian as last week's wafers. Would you take this sort of thing lying down?

60)Your daddy's so rich he's been voted king bugabout by the legion of furry hatsmen.

61) You offer me cashews?! Caged, as if!

62) Take a few minutes to understand your nudity.

63) You know, I feel sorry for your parents in the way Titan begets Titan

64) You're now amongst the fashion elite; sweat accordingly.

65) Ahh's the part where they trot out Ms. Healthyvibes.

66) I would simply kill myself for Parsimmon's clarinet technique.

67) Whatever you may think of me, you can never say I was too proud to soil myself for Christ

68) What is it exactly that makes McCafferty's strong-arm tactic so sublime?

69) L-O-V-E makes Granny's punishment allright

70) It would not be entirely incorrect to say that you've fucking ruined my holiday.

71) What we mean when we talk about sex: ungh! grun! uhh! ohhh yes!

72) Quite taken she was with her own feline prowess

73) Omigosh, can you all believe it's been almost 20 years since Luke raped Laura?

74) There's nothing Mrs. Winkel likes more than the sound of balls slappin' 'gainst ass.

75) Hoo hoo! Haw haw! Hee heel Hafta get some chuggy snuggles to make it better.

76) At age 143, Great-Great-Granma Taggert claimed to have avoided death simply by ignoring it.

77) I cherish my red shoes much as I cherish life itself.

78) Hmph...mediocrity looks pretty damn good from where we'pe standing.

79) Live long and shit smooth

80) That fellow over there, sheesh, he's got the haircut of a man who refuses to admit he's past the age of 24.

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