gingernails in my cupboard: the alaisder maclellan story

what is elementary school art teachers ruled the world?

job interviews might take the form of free-form interpretive wind dances

personal hygenie

Well-behaved mollusks rarely make history
It's a mollusk, not a choice

"Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Goiter"

Rock notes

Rock historians made an unsettling discovery today: evidence that The Beatles, famous for spreading messages of love and peace, might have harbored Nazi sympathies. Among the demos found in the EMI vaults:

"I, Me, Mein (Kampf)"

shinky hinky sex music from the planet zontar

things that would make the internetz implode

A movie starring Zoey Deschanel, Betty White, Chuck Norris, and Michael Cera, all wearing Three Wolf Moon T-Shirts. While eating bacon.

Tom Hanks' dog recently died. About which I have only one thing to say: "WILSONNNNN!!!"

Obama is so cool. He and Bill Clinton should form a band. They could call themselves The Oval Officers. Jimmy Carter could be their manager.

my new motto

" "leave nothing to chance. botch everything""

Public Enema No. 1

cartoon idea

Hung Jury
(bunch of jurors dangling via nooses from a tree)

cursewords that have no cursewords

teen funksuck monkeychunt
rotten muthatrucka
shanking skuntchdog
hunking dewlrips

For most of my adult life, I've just cleaned my torso and forehead when I bathe.

Howdya like me now?

immaculate misconception

I want to be the Ernest Hemingway of Bel Air

To Teabag a Kardashian: One Man's Hollywood Odyssey
Motorboating with the Olsen Twins: Dispatches From Hollywood and Vine
Catch a Kimmel and Let Him Go: Adventures Amongst the Golden Children


unadorned. telling it like it is. the dreams. the lies. the power plays. the insatiable desires of the beautiful people. the bespoke mocha javas.

wooden tit, be nice

funny how the sedate sometimes ramp up language to physicalize a very sedentary, information-based existence, while those who are as physical and as cowboy as it gets sometimes tailor their language to downplay such physicality and violence:

doughy white collar exec: Let's pull the trigger on this thing.
out-of-shape tenured prof:
trained navy seal: target of opportunity pacified.

overheard in crowds

"my ear sore is crusting"
"asian children make great pets"
"i drunk dialed my nephew"

mixed drinks guaranteed to dissapoint

akron sunset
taxes on the beach
pocket-lint navel
car alarm colonic
fuzzy anal

a lithuanian provides cut-rate dentistry

and next thing i know

i'm in amsterdam

surrounded by a flock of phillipino ladyboys

all clamoring for nyquil and tootsipops

i call this my "funny feeling"

Zoe deschanel

I heard she divorced the guy from modest mouse/ death cab for cutie and is now engaged to all of weezer. I look forward to their collective ceremony.

I'd like to start a grassroots movement: The Let's Lower Zoe Deschanel's Self Esteem Project. Really, it's almost unseemly how high it is. After we finish with Zoe, we could start in on Scarlet "I really CAN sing! No, really!" Johansan (whom I suspect pays Sophia Coppolla to follow her around with a camera, filming her everday behavior. For archival purposes, naturally, the better for future generations to understand the miracle that was Scarlett.)

Zoe Deschanel is a basically Goldie Hawn. For hipsters.

Rumour has it Zoe's got a solo album of sacred music on the way: She & Hymn

Zoe Deschanel grew up on a commune in Oregon, and spent her evenings howling at the moon with her sister.

Zoe Deschanel spends her time fingerpainting in between scenes. And playing the melodica.

Goldie Hawn + Pitchfork = Zoe Deschanel.

Even Zoe Deschanel's bangs are self impressed.

M. Ward finally got sick of playing second fiddle, and renamed the band Him & She

Fun game #1: Let's guess the track names of the inevitable She & Him Children's Album. I'll start:
1. Vegan Birthing Ceremony (intro)
2. Gluten-free B-day Party!
3. My Baby Drinks PBR
4. Mommy Plays The Drums
5. Ironic Nursery Rhyme
6. Eco-Baby Activist
7. Don't Wanna (Cut My Bangs)
8. Playground Performance Art
9. My Art Teacher (Plays the Ukulele)
10. Baby's First Yo La Tengo Show
11. Fixed Gear Bikin' (Helmets Off Mix)

Zoe Deschanel has an imaginary friend named Artemis.

I want to crash her band: She & Him & Me

made-up activities for earnest liberals

mircothrifting
microcollaboration
micronomading
microincarceration
microcompost
microhooping (where one stands in place while hulahooping so as not to intrude on the space of another)
microsweatshopping
microclearcutting
microdeforestation
microgentrifcation
microfilmfest
microbinging
microbiking
microrideshares (6 liberals in a smart car?)
Microrolfing
Micromediation
microenhanced interrogation
microbullying


(minimize that footprint)

Of Mice and Menses
Girlfriend in a Comma
I Am Lesion
Mock Me, Amadeus

the phantom of the oprah
abattoir and costello
twisted cyster ("we're not gonna lance it, no, we ain't gonna lance it!")
schindler's cyst

literature in the 21st centry

Microsoft Kinect presents: The Complete Works of Nabakov (supports up to 12 players)

William Burrough's Naked Lunch, a new Wii exclusive! Includes 6 plastic syringes!

in the spirit of crank yankers, what about a kids' puppet show called "crotch sockers" which is all about puppets racking themselves in a variety of ways?

A flock of Jonathan livingston seagulls

Wiping: Such an imprecise science

is the world ready for my bugs bunny cover band, called (naturally) the puty tat dollz? our breakout hit: dontcha wish your rabbit was smart like me

Words that sound like other words

perenium (sounds like a flower, as in "My, aren't the pereniums looking splendid this year!"

My new joke

Freaking girl scouts, bowing to political correctness. They've just renamed their Samoan cookies. They're now called Fat Pacific Islanders.

Hot new makeup styles

Khmer Rouge

I know I'm 40 because now I just laugh when I see guys under 30 sporting beards.

movies and tv shows i'd like to see

Schindler's Lisp
I Know You Know That I Know What You Did Last NPR Fund Drive
Dude, Where's My Catheter?
She Schtups to Conquer
Last Mango in Paris
onanism for dummies
The Fetish Prince of Bel Air
Sleeveless in Seattle

Best way to antagonize a roomful of geeks: say "Firefly sucks"

Heard about the new fashion magazine for medievalists and Renaissance fans? It's editor is Hurdy Gurdy Brown.

weaponized farts- an idea whose time has come

the penny whistle is dead to me. i think i blame fiona richie, host of thistle and shamrock.

did petula clark ever eat dog food?

did george peppard ever jump on a trampoline?

these are the thoughts of today's men

as they shore up the dookeyshines of commerce, culture, and faith

gonna market a new kind of candy- "sweet nothings"
open up the wrapper, and there's nothing inside.
"sweet nothings: a new kind of zen"

Trader Joe's tonight was a seething cauldron of urbanesque sexual tension. How can the young people even stand it?

two new words

Mangst

A special flavor of manly angst, emanating primarily from guys preoccupied with being "real men" (i.e., tough, strong, brooding, some flavor of urban warrior). Primarily caused when the guy feels his masculinity assailed, be it from someone keying his Hummer, a physical imperfection like premature balding, or being confronted by someone who breaks traditional gender roles.

Another variant of mangst is the old brooding, angst-ridden artist bit. What perhaps began as a James Dean impression to score arty chicks imperceptibly morphed into full blown, chronic mangst.

Did you check out last night's episode of Sons of Anarchy? So much mangst!

Changst

A special flavor of angst, emanating primarily from teenage/tween/young adult girls, homosexual guys, and heavily metrosexual guys. Best witnessed at any high school or undergraduate college, shopping malls, and on shows such as Glee, Gossip Girl, and pretty much anything on the WB.

Did you check out last night's episode of Glee? Changst off the charts.

my line of children's clothes: oshkosh, g'dammit!

lessons learned the hard way: don't ever order duck for an entree when it costs less than $10. it'll enact another cost, one that you won't want to pay.

Someone else's funny joke:

How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It's a really obscure number; you've probably never heard of it.

blink and you'll miss it: memoirs of a sex weasel
when britches meet cobblestone: a lothario's tale
the norton anthology of tweets: volume one, the tween years

CocoRosie

Once upon a time, there were two little girls named Coco and Rosie. Coco and Rosie had a big sister named Bjork, whom they loved very, very much. In fact, they loved her so much they wanted to be just like her. They loved to play dress up, finger paint, and create make believe sounds just like their big sister. "One day, when we are big and tall, just like our sister Bjork, we will make pretty sounds, too, and conquer the world, too" they said.

But then something sad happened.

Before Coco and Rosie were fully grown up, they started recording and releasing their make believe, made-up magical sounds. While they meant well, these sounds just weren't mature. In fact, they resembled the childish, ill-formed squiggly lines that a pre-schooler might draw. Coco and Rosie were so impatient to be just like their big sister Bjork that they ignored this fact.

And so, Coco and Rosie embarrassed their mother, their father, and most importantly, their beloved big sister Bjork by releasing a series of ill-advised, immature, self-indulgent, art-school dribblings into the world, bringing shame upon their family, and upon the entire freak-folk fairy genre.

movie remakes i'd like to see

rebel without a tweet
i am lesion
my fair ladyboy
hello, dali
les misanthropes
the loin king
feltch

the passion of the consumer

hipsters

britney the elder
courtney the wise
kortney the just
ryder the brave
bristol the infirm
jade the vain


in a post-apocalyptic USA, where humanity is reduced to pre-science and nomadic tribalism, would today's golden children age into the sage elder matriarchs and patriarchs of their respective clan?

best headline ever

Volcano separates Kim Kardashian from her beauty team

By Mike Fleeman, PEOPLE.com

May 17, 2010 5:12 p.m. EDT

today's links

dino love

miss piggy sings peaches

you're welcome

looking forward to the next one, which will depict entire tribes of ewoks reduced to smoldering ash and burning fur under the withering blaster fire of imperial stormtroopers

tv show for geeks that i'd like to see: "my name is url" a show where the protagonist is a website

i'd like it if companies rechristened "representative" as "rapresentative" and had that person rap their telephone assistance to customers. can you imagine trying to understand tech support or something if the person rapped the instructions? what it lacks in usefulness it makes up for in sass. it's hard not to say "rapresentative" aloud and not crack at least a thin grin. better yet, try to work it into a conversation with someone as in, "yeah, i was trying to get help with my dell 'cuz it keeps crashing, but the rapresentative's patois was so thick that i couldn't understand most of what he said."

absurdist job title of the week: nostril replenishment technician

from the "i'll get right on that" department

oh you crazy artists!

part the two

marquis de sade: a life in song
pol pot follies
jonestown on ice
attica: the musical
bergen, belsen, auschwitz, oh my!

ultraman meets his match

what is virility?

funny you should ask

news from north korea

happy valentine's day

the zeitgeist, personified

"i'll look at my newborn when i'm done tweeting about it"